“I love getting away!” people with a few extra coins usually say. And while I have to agree — though I have fewer than a few extra coins — the sentiment comes with a footnote in my case.
“I love getting away!”*
The part I love about catapulting over state lines is finally getting to my hotel. The part that sucks? Everything else. So let’s examine some of the dos and don’ts that would make DIA (or any airport, really) a trillion times better.
Keep your luggage tight
Your wheeled luggage is such a luxury, right? Grab the telescopic handle, point your feet, and go! The part you should leave out, though, is the one where you let it roll all over the place three feet behind you, creating an invisible bubble of “All this space is mine!” in a sea of people who’d like to get to their gate without a selfish, wily human barricade.
Keep walking on the accelerated walkways
Not only are you missing out on sudden warp speed, you’re defeating the purpose of those things. They’re not an “oh, this is nice” moment to rest your feet while floating alongside people who are walking faster than you’re moving; they’re a clever way to accelerate and organize foot-traffic. If there’s a reason you suddenly can’t continue walking the moment you hit those horizontal escalators, move to the right and let people who can pass you!
Have your ID + boarding pass ready at the TSA prescreen
“Next,” calls the TSA agent seated at a podium, hand outstretched for the two items she needs from you. And there you are, trying to steady your luggage as you rifle through your bag for them, people in line behind you wanting to tackle you like a Bronco on Brady. Before you even enter the TSA labyrinth, step to the side and get those items at the ready. Every single second the line is held up, an angel loses its wings.
Move on down to put your shoes + jewelry back on
All that grumbling about having to “undress” and get scanned is so 2002. Once you’ve got your personal items regathered, just move up a couple feet to those neat little benches that allow you to resituate — that’s what they’re there for. When you create a log-jam at the end of the TSA scanners, the terrorists win.
Get out of the main walkways to scan the shops
Ooh, magazines! Ooh, a McDonald’s! Ooh, Broncos windpants! Yes: The airport is a virtual Hall of Wonders, but if you’re into the shopping game, don’t stop in the dead-middle of the thoroughfare to get your gander on. Politely move toward the side or stand closer to the information booths to plan your next bout of consumer fury.
Don’t wear perfume or cologne
It seems like every time I shimmy into a seat and dislocate my shoulders looking for the seatbelts, I’m doing so in yet another cloud of eau-de-chemical warfare. I understand that it might be fun to crack a bottle of Polo Sport on the side of your bathroom counter like a beer bottle in a barfight, then dump the contents down your neck and chest, but save that for the hotel, dudebruh. We’re in a tighter space than that new-on-the-scene Tinder twink you’ve been after, so chill on the olfactory assault.
So let’s take our own advice + tighten up this column.
If I see you put your overhead luggage in sideways, you’re gonna need security.
The middle seat gets both armrests.
Cough/sneeze into your sleeve.
If your aisle-mate isn’t asking questions back, they’re just being polite. Shhhh.
Don’t open that curry you brought from home and eat it on the plane. Dude, for real?
So let’s make DIA less of an OMG. You do your part, my friend, and I’ll do mine. If you’ve got any to add, find OUT FRONT Colorado on Facebook and tell the people what’s up.
