Welcome to Ask a Coach, where Ingomu coaches answer your questions about life, work, wellness, or matters of the soul. Share your question with us at coaches@ingomu.com, and we’ll answer them here.
I’m going home for Thanksgiving, and I am not sure how to respond or navigate the questions my family will have about my new identity.
– Oaklyn B.
First, realize—truly realize—and accept that you may not change viewpoints, beliefs, or attitudes. You hope and want to, yet going into conversations realizing you may not helps set your expectations. Avoid public pronouncements. Find private times to initiate sensitive conversations. Start with one or two people who may be your greatest supporters and reveal your truths. Positive responses will feed your confidence for approaching closer family members. Use “I” statements—”I have something I’d like or need to share with you and ask that you try staying open to me while I do so.” Afterward, ask, “What are you thinking or feeling?” Listen, and temper your reactions. Accept initial comments. Keep in mind you’ve introduced something new that people need to process. Have a friend or confidant you can call or visit if the situation derails. These actions help me have difficult conversations professionally and personally. I wish the best to you.
– Coach Sylvia Henderson, MBA
Family conversations offer us an opportunity for incredible growth through awareness, acceptance, appreciation, and insights. While the family dynamics of change can be challenging, awkward, and sometimes raucous and painful, remember, this is your family, the cradle of unconditional love.
Ultimately, everything works out one way or another if you approach it with honesty, integrity, confidence, and positivism. Having a named intention and a desired outcome will give you an energetic advantage, providing a safe place for your emotions to go, helping you to respond instead of reacting.
Be yourself, and do more listening than talking or explaining. Be prepared for their perspectives, viewpoints, and awkward attempts at understanding something they have never experienced or don’t understand. Most will be statements and not questions; validate these with a nod of the head. If they do not include a question, simply acknowledge their point of view, perhaps with a sincere “Thanks for sharing” when they are done. You do not have to defend or justify yourself, for this is who you are. Before responding to something that riles you up, ask yourself if what you are about to say or do serves a higher purpose. Choose love, and lead by example.
– Coach Steve Reinhart
My two best friends started dating, and I feel left out. What should I do?
– Jaylah S.
This is understandable. Feeling left out is natural. Be honest and vulnerable with your friends, and let them know. You could say something like, ”I am really happy for you, but I must admit, I am feeling a little left out because I want to date someone, too.” Sometimes jealousy can pop up as well. Feeling left out and a little jealous is normal and human when friends are dating someone and you are not, but want to be. They are your friends and care about you, just as you care about them. It is important to be authentic with your feelings, rather than avoiding them. It will prevent discomfort and awkwardness between you. If you express yourself in this way, you can prevent experiencing an “elephant in the room.” You can then have a great time with your friends. Besides, it is also good practice for you when you are dating someone. Vulnerability is hard and is very connecting and beautiful too. Give it a try.
– Coach Suzanne Muller
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