With 50 Shades of Grey (the movie), coming down the pipeline, many people are beginning to wonder more about kink and BDSM. Check, my mother-in-law even asked me whether I had read the book. From college students to soccer parents, professors to mechanics, kink and fetishes are on everyone’s lips.
What do folks even mean when they say kink, BDSM, and fetishes? The textbook definition of a fetish (from a mental health perspective) is something someone needs in order to be aroused—shoes, feet, latex, etc. However, socially we tend to use the term to refer to things that are really arousing, but aren’t usually required for arousal. People who really enjoy being spanked, wearing and/or being with someone wearing nylons, role playing with medical equipment and doctors/nurses outfits, etc., all might identify as having a “fetish” without it being a mental health diagnosis. BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (tying someone up/getting tied up and punishment), domination and submission (consensual power exchanges), and sado-masochism (consensual giving or receiving of pain). Kink is an umbrella that includes all of these things, plus other things like puppy play/kitty play/pony play (humans who like to role play as animals), littles (adult humans who like to role play as people younger than themselves), Masters and Mistresses, slaves, human furniture, the list goes on. Many people participate in kinky activities at home. Kink is in the eye of the beholder. For some folks, kinky means getting it on while the lights are on, while for others, it might mean setting us an entire dedicated dungeon in their home. Anywhere on the spectrum can be kinky; it isn’t some kind of pissing contest (unless, of course, you want it to be). If you want some well-written kink books to really get your teeth into, check out the Keyhole Series by local authors Kasi and Reggie Alexander, or the Marketplace Series by Laura Antoniou. Looking for something more instructional? Playing Well with Others by Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington is a good educational book on both kink and swinging, while Jay Wiseman’s SM 101 is an old-school guidebook on how to play kinkily in a safer way.
While lots of people are kinky in the privacy of their own home, others prefer to fly their fabulous freak-flag high, and like to play in public. Denver’s only public dungeon is the Denver Sanctuary, which offers play parties (including monthly, newbie-friendly parties), while the RACK Room/Pavlovia Denver is a private space that offers kink classes/lessons and community events. You can find both of them on FetLife.com, which is the Facebook of the kink community. Make a profile (with or without a picture), meet local and international folks, learn about local events, and explore some of your questions about the kink and fetish communities. If you really get into playing in public, Thunder in the Mountains is an annual kink event that takes place in July, bringing in presenters from around the country to teach workshops, and hosting an absolutely epic set of play parties at night.
Important things to remember before you suit up in leather, lace, latex, or even a well-cut suit (hey, it could be someone’s fetish). First of all, if it’s kinky, it must be consensual. If it is not consensual, it’s sexual assault—not kink. It’s important to do any type of play with “safe words,” even if it is just a headmistress spanking a naughty schoolgirl, or if you’re just tying up your boy toy. This is a word (like “red”) that means stop even when you want to be able to say “stop” or “no” as part of the play. Communication is crucial; make sure both of you (or all of you) share what turns you on (and what doesn’t), and check in again afterward to assess how it went. Remember: Sexual play of any kind is supposed to be fun, and when it isn’t anymore, it’s time to try something different.
