Did you expect it would become an annual event? Kind of, because it was a success right from the beginning. Whenever something works, I am out there pushing it. This is just another way for me to tell stories, and I always need a way to tell stories. It can be a movie, a book, a spoken word, an art show, but as long as I can keep telling them, they are all the same to me. Writing a book is no different than making a movie. They are just as equally important to me. Because so much shit has occurred in the last year, did you find it easier or challenging to come up with jokes and content? The challenge is not to overdo the COVID jokes because it’s all that people talk about, and they are sick of talking about it. However, it is impossible to do a show without mentioning how it has affected everything. It can’t help but be a part of the show. Going home for Christmas—are you? Can you? Is it safe? If part of your family refuses to get vaccinated, what do you do? Is it safe to accept a Christmas present from them? Should you put on a hazmat suit? COVID has affected almost everything you do. Even sex. Horny in quarantine, is that a new section of day porn? That’s the thin line you face as a writer. Ultimately, what do you hope audiences take away from A John Waters Christmas? I hope they still believe in free speech even if they don’t agree with it, and they can make fun of themselves first before they make fun of everybody else, which makes it a lot more palatable. Also, that they get what they want for Christmas. Why is Christmas your favorite holiday? Because it’s an extreme holiday. Almost no one can avoid it. Even Al-Qaeda can’t escape Christmas. Whether you love it or hate it, it’s impossible to ignore, and it brings out extreme anxiety or happiness in people. Mostly both. Everybody has to deal with it because it’s an equal opportunity mental disease. What are some other holidays that you love or hate? I have always hated Easter. I think Mel Gibson made an S & M movie about that already. I never understood why people would ask children to kneel in front of a nude man nailed to a cross. Just go down to the Baltimore Eagle, and you can do the same thing.
I do like the Tooth Fairy, but there is no holiday for the Tooth Fairy, and I never know if it’s a man or woman. I picture it to be some old queen sitting in a dirty bathroom at an abandoned mall. Take your child to them when their tooth falls out, and they will either give you cash or a new hairdo.
I used to tell Pat Moran, who is my dear friend and casting woman, she did all my movies, I used to tell her son that when his tooth would fall out, he would get a new hairdo. He told me later that he would wake up in the middle of the night and look in the mirror and make sure that he didn’t have a new hairdo. I didn’t mean that as mental child abuse, but maybe it was [laughs]. 
You have talked before about a Christmas tree falling onto your grandmother, which inspired the scene for Female Trouble. What are some of your other most memorable Christmas moments, good or bad? I remember always going down to our little neighborhood on Christmas Eve and Santa would come, but I could clearly see that it was the next-door neighbor. Like, I knew him! That is just the beginning of parents lying to you. That’s why I always say Santa is the reason why children take heroin later because their parents said it was bad. Well, you said Santa Claus was real, and he isn’t. I’m not sorry that I believed in Santa, but I am always confused. Is it the Holy Trinity? Did he know Jesus? Did he hang out with the Easter Bunny? Are they superheroes? What are they, and why are they on my roof? How did Divine usually celebrate Christmas? Oh, he would almost go to prison because of Christmas. He would go crazy and spend so much money. I mean, we’re talking thousands of dollars of decorations. Christmas drove him crazy, but he loved it. It was his favorite holiday, and God knows he gave some great parties. I still have a cashmere blanket in my bedroom that he gave me 30 years ago. Of course, did he pay for it? Probably not. What are your thoughts about Christmas starting earlier and earlier? I mean, the Hallmark movies started in October! Christmas used to begin in November after Thanksgiving. Now, it’s Halloween, and pretty soon it will be Labor Day. It amazes me. In Provincetown, where I’m at in the summer, there is a shop that sells Christmas decorations all year round. It’s becoming all year ’round anyways. Do you have any favorite Christmas movies? Christmas Evil is my favorite. It’s about a man that believes he is Santa Claus, spies on children, and gets a job at a toy factory. Talk about a lunatic. That is my favorite Christmas movie, and it’s also a horror movie. I love the fact that they made everybody so crazy when they first came out, like Silent Night, Bloody Night and Black Christmas. Today, I don’t know if that will work anymore. I thought Bad Santa was funny, but I don’t know a new way to do a Christmas movie except for the one I thought up that hasn’t been made yet. Will that be made sometime? Who knows? We all know that you are a bibliophile. Are there any particular books on your Christmas list this year? I’m sure there certainly will be. Hm, that’s a good question. I need to get my Christmas list together. I usually always order books and everything I read before they come out. I have so many books, it’s hard to imagine. I love weird, little old books that people find that are movie novelizations or cheesy porn. Stuff like that. It doesn’t matter if they cost a nickel, it’s just how rare and crazy they are. Is it true that you hate gift cards? Yes! I have gotten them before, but it’s embarrassing. Somebody gave me one for Starbucks one time, and you have to go inside, and they have to do all these things just for one cup of coffee. It’s like having bad food stamps. 
What is the best gift you have ever received from a fan? It would probably be a rare book of some kind. I have certainly gotten a lot of them. In my home studio, I have all the fan art that people have sent me, which is truly amazing. Weirdly, I love the bad ones the best [laughs]. Before we wrap up, are there any other upcoming projects or anything else you would like to mention or plug? I have a new book, the first novel I have ever written called Liarmouth, which will come out next May. So, I will be on a book tour, and I hope to come to your city. Other than that, stay naughty, and I’ll see you at A John Waters Christmas! To stay up-to-date with Waters, visit DreamlandNews.com. Click HERE for more information and to purchase tickets for A John Waters Christmas.Photos Courtesy of Noah Lyon and Greg Gorman
