Being trans and experiencing my gender so differently from the “norm” can make it difficult to find partners. The lingering fear of not being seen how you should be seen, the worry of hidden bigotry and judgement, and the unfortunate threat of violence are all things that have floated around in my head while dating. This fear isn’t unfounded—both from my own experience and hearing my trans friends’ experiences with relationships.
My gender is something that I struggle to describe. It’s fluid; it’s not easy to label; it’s something I’ve tried to put words to. To do it justice, I can only string together incoherent and “contradictory” labels. Dating cis people often feels like I’m being scrutinized for my every move, my every expression. If I can’t fit neatly into their boxes, how are they supposed to decide if I fit within their sexuality’s bounds? How can my fluidity work with that rigidity without clashing?
Ever since I’ve decided to be pretty strictly T4T (nonbinary-for-nonbinary, specifically), I have felt a lot more loved. I have felt a lot more seen. My partner gives me my testosterone shots. We trade our clothes back and forth, a shared closet full of love without judgment. We’ve helped each other decide on names. I’ve used my makeup skills for my partner, and the favor is returned through all my ties being tied for me.
Trans love has made me write again, and write happier pieces again. I know I’m allowed to dress more feminine and still be seen as genderqueer. I know I can exist in my all-trans household and not have to bind all the time. It’s healing to be seen and loved as who I am, no conditions, no wavering. Obviously I’ve had T4T relationships that haven’t been ideal. Relationship issues don’t all vanish once you’re T4T. Transphobia doesn’t even always vanish in the relationship. But god, it is refreshing to have that kind of love in my life.
My partner and I have been together for over two-and-a-half years now. Our closets completely overlap. Our HRT sits together under the bathroom sink. I’ve learned not to settle for love that lacks understanding. Being seen is being loved, and my gender and existence isn’t just seen—It’s appreciated; it’s celebrated. T4T love has brought me comfort in my queerness. I’m not as afraid to be myself anymore because I know someone loves me for me, and I love them just the same.
