In a move that has left conspiracy theorists shaking and the rest of us reaching for the glitter, satirical powerhouse The Onion has successfully secured a deal to take over Alex Jones’ infamous InfoWars platform. While the road to acquisition was long, the outcome is clear: the era of gravelly voiced paranoia is being replaced by a much more aesthetically pleasing—and distinctly pro-LGBTQ+—comedy empire.
The deal, which initially hit a snag in a messy bankruptcy auction, was revived this week as The Onion reached an agreement to license the InfoWars intellectual property for $81,000 a month. This arrangement, supported by the Sandy Hook families who are owed over $1 billion by Jones, ensures that the “machinery of lies” will finally be used for something productive, like high-concept drag parody and making fun of questionable supplements.
“We’ve wanted this the whole time. We have not backed down at any moment,” The Onion CEO Ben Collins states.. Collins has already overseen the transformation of the InfoWars homepage, which now features a modified logo where the “O” is replaced by The Onion’s own emblem, often draped in the vibrant, inclusive colors of the progress pride flag.
The new “creative director” of the platform is none other than Tim Heidecker, who plans to parody Jones’ frantic “supplements-and-screaming” business model. Heidecker noted the poetic justice of the situation, saying, “I just thought it would be just a beautiful joke if we could take this pretty toxic, negative, destructive force of InfoWars and rebrand it as this beautiful place for our creativity.”
While Alex Jones has retreated to a “new studio” (which we can only assume is a bunker filled with lukewarm canned beans), the original InfoWars URL will now serve as a beacon of satire and inclusivity. As the new management begins to “democratize psychological torture” through comedy, they are doing so with a wink, a nudge, and a commitment to making the internet a little more fabulous—one debunked conspiracy at a time. Indeed, if the “gay frogs” were ever looking for a safe space, they have finally found their home.
