Queer Girl Q&A

Q: A girl I’m involved with has recently expressed an interest in kink. She is also recently out of a 10-year hetero relationship. Their marriage ended when she realized she was gay.

As someone who’s known she was a lesbian since the age of 5, my mind has a hard time comprehending how it can take some women years or decades to realize they’re not into men. I don’t mean that as an insult at all, more just genuinely trying to understand, since it’s foreign to me. Do you have any insight on this?

A: I can’t speak for the experience of every lesbian-identified woman who used to date men, but as someone who self-labeled as bisexual for several years when younger, I can at least share some of my own personal reasons as to why I think coming out as “fully gay” took me a bit of time.

Before I do though, I want to emphasize that many women and nonbinary people are legitimately and comfortably bi or pansexual. Others realize they’re attracted to multiple genders beyond the two presented as the only options by our culture’s gender binary. In this entry however, I’m specifically referring to women who realize later on in life that they are not attracted to (cis) men.

As author Jill Gutowitz put it, “I wondered … could you date boys, and also be a lesbian? (Yes, and I did that for years—It’s very different from being bi or pansexual).” 

Some of these may apply to the woman you are involved with, or they might not.

Let’s rewind to the year 2003. After my first round of girl crushes plunged (unwanted) into my 13-year-old psyche, I feared fully owning the lesbian label. Bi felt safer. Gay felt riskier and less common, with limiting stereotypes accompanying it.

I related to a species that Peter Fimrite wrote about in the SF Chronicle—one that is “almost certainly semiaquatic, wading and swimming along the coast—but could not fully commit to the sea because they would have been eaten by giant squid-like cephalopods.”  

That I equated the giant squid-like cephalopod with our homophobic society to me indicates that when younger, my continued interest in boys probably came from a combination of internalized homophobia and societal pressure. As Alexandria Juarez phrased it: “Womanhood is so often defined through the desire and approval of men.” External validation influenced my choices and preferences at that time, (more so than any internal sense of what made me happy did).

As for why your crush may have only recently discovered an interest in kink—It could have to do with the fact that men, more so than women, are encouraged from a young age to pursue what they want. This extends to the realm of sexual pleasure. As Caitlin Johnstone wrote, “a woman’s will for her own sexuality is only just now becoming culturally relevant, a blink of an eye from a historical perspective.”

Additionally, was she raised in a conservative or Catholic environment? Ideas regarding women’s roles and sexual modesty may have been baked into her at a young age (as they have been for many women) and might therefore have persisted for a long time—regardless of our modern culture’s predominance of more liberal attitudes.

Lastly, it can also be hard at times to distinguish between different kinds of attraction. My first (and only) boyfriend in high school, for example, I was attracted to on an intellectual and emotional level. And when we kissed, though I wasn’t exactly enthused, it also didn’t entirely repulse me. That must have meant there was some level of attraction there, right? I told myself. Even if it didn’t match the strength of what I felt for girls.

 I can’t speak for the woman you’re involved with nor can I answer for all women. If you’re wondering why some come out as gay after dating men for years though, these could be some of the (many) reasons.

If you want to know for sure, my suggestion is to bring this topic up with her directly. Try not to frame it as interrogation but rather as an honest gesture to learn more about her and her life journey thus far.

Maybe her honest answer is that she doesn’t know, and the “why” matters less than the fact that she is here now—finally able to live as her fully authentic self, or at least hold a formerly unexplored facet of herself up to the light.

Or maybe she has an intriguing and layered story to tell, the sharing of which will bring the two of you closer. Either way, I think you can’t go wrong (and might only stand to strengthen your bond) through broaching the question.

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