Q: I’m really looking forward to celebrating Pride this year. Since coming out, it’s been a place where I’ve felt completely safe and at home. However, my semi new girlfriend (who is trans) says she doesn’t feel inclusion at many Pride events. Even though she identifies as a woman, she’s experienced an icy reception in certain lesbian spaces. One, when walking by her at last year’s Pride, even loudly referred to her as a drag queen.
How can I enjoy Pride with my girlfriend while also staying supportive of and sensitive to her feelings?
A: Ah, Pride. I remember my first one back in 2010. Marching next to the Curve Magazine float (decorated with an arch of colorful balloons), I handed out copies of their newly released 20th anniversary issue to spectators, while soaking in the joyous, exuberant energy.
Afterward, I met up with friends at the Civic Center lawn, where we spent the afternoon gallivanting with other queers while the Backstreet Boys performed. The sun shone down and the beers were plentiful. It felt nothing short of glorious.
Prides since then have been equally celebratory occasions for me and many others. Still, some members of the LGBTQ community, trans and QPOC among them, have admitted to not feeling fully included at these celebrations.
I’d say the best way to learn about trans issues more generally, and your girlfriend’s specifically, is of course either directly from her or from a trans person themself. I want to be careful about not speaking for a community that I myself am not a part of. Still, conversations with trans friends and Lyft passengers (in addition to having read many first-person accounts in LGBTQ publications) have given me at least some level of sensitivity and awareness—so I hope to not overstep when I offer the following considerations.
It’s a disheartening reality that society often invalidates trans people in ways both subtle and more overt. Some whom I’ve spoken with say they’re accustomed to receiving backhanded compliments like “you’re really hot for a trans guy!” or “You pass so well.” Even within the LGBTQ community, some people seem not to remember that acceptance doesn’t end at mere tolerance.
The bar for many (particularly amongst those with privilege) often seems to rest at “I won’t say mean things to (*insert name of group in question*), and I’ll treat them cordially.” Yet as Isabel Wilkerson wrote in Caste, “In our era, it is not enough to be tolerant. You tolerate mosquitos in the summer, a rattle in an engine, the gray slush that collects at the crosswalk in winter. You tolerate what you would rather not have to deal with and wish would go away. It is no honor to be tolerated.”
To help people feel recognized as full humans, I believe we must do more than merely mince our words and bite our tongues. Engaging in internal work is necessary for overcoming the prejudices that give rise to these unintended hurtful comments to begin with. It’s also important to really listen to individual trans people—because as is the case with any group, each person within it will have their own unique preferences.
As her partner (though I imagine you already do this), listen closely to what she is telling you, to what she prefers, and to why certain comments are insensitive.
As for the person who called your girlfriend a drag queen: I’m sorry she experienced this, and it’s understandable that she would be hurt. As drag historian and videographer Joe E. Jeffreys once put it in an interview with Time Magazine, “Trans women have pressed their own concern that, if conflated with drag queens—ie, men in dresses—the validity of their own identities will be questioned, further contributing to the oppression they experience.”
If you do come up against a comment like this again, you might choose to calmly let the person know that one (drag) is a temporary performance, while the other is an ongoing identity. You can also stand up to transphobic comments. Sometimes people are just ignorant, in which case you can gently correct them. Additionally, do some research on Pride party venues, and avoid the ones that have a reputation for being transphobic. Some are more known for trans inclusion than others.
It’s important to celebrate how far we’ve come as a community. Yet your question brings to light (more generally) for us cis folks this Pride—that it’s just as important to remember to hear out and make space for members of our community who are still coming up against microaggressions and acts of discrimination.
The world still has a ways to go when it comes to full acceptance, inclusion, and understanding of trans individuals. As her partner though, you can help provide a safe space.
You can follow Eleni on Instagram @eleni_steph_writer
