OFM’s Ask a Coach with Ingomu

Welcome to Ask a Coach where Ingomu coaches answer your questions about life, work, wellness, or matters of the soul. Share your question with us at coaches@ingomu.com and we’ll answer them here. 

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. Lately, she has been hinting at wanting a more open relationship but staying committed to me. I have no idea how to navigate that conversation, or if this can even work for me? Where do I start?

Nor K.

I want to first offer acknowledgement for your willingness to explore more about something that your partner has shown interest in, as well as your attunement to her. Your curiosity is a strength that can support you as you navigate these conversations. Since your partner has “hinted” at wanting a more open relationship, a great place to start is by having a direct conversation with her about what having a more open relationship means and looks like from her perspective in the context of your partnership, this may take more than one conversation. There are many styles of open relationships, often referred to as ethical non-monogamy, which is great for those wanting to create relationships outside of the monogamous narrative. However, because there are so many possibilities with opening relationships, it’s really important that partners understand what is and is not meant in opening the relationship. Entering these conversations with as much curiosity as possible will allow you to understand and gain more clarity about what your partner wants, so that you can know if that aligns with your desires as well. 

Queer Relationship Coach Liana Griebsch

My new employer celebrates diversity and authenticity, which I appreciate. I am trying to navigate what authenticity at work means. Any advice on how to show my authentic self but still be professional?

Trevor H. 

One way to practice being more authentic at work is through our everyday communication. We can start sharing from a place of transparency, rather than holding back in fear. It can be awkward at first, but so satisfying once you master it. When you offer feedback, answer a question at a meeting or participate in brainstorming, you can say not only what you think, but why you think that way. For example, “I think we should attend the job fair at the elementary school. I attended public schools in Detroit and many of us didn’t get to see a variety of career options.” 

I remember coaching a successful executive who didn’t feel comfortable sharing that she grew up living in the projects. When she finally incorporated “her story” into talks with her team, she connected with them in a deeper way. She felt a sense of freedom from walking in her truth at work. It also had a rippling effect and others started feeling that it was safe to share about themselves more authentically too.
Coach Kim Bettie

You are right to be concerned about this issue. Though many companies give great lip service to wanting you to be “authentic,” your particular authenticity may not be accepted in some cultures. Sadly, there is no one right answer to your question; in fact, no one who is outside of the organization will be able to give you accurate feedback. 

Your best bet is to find a mentor in the company who has been with the company for a while. The person does not need to be at a high level, but does need to have succeeded in the culture for years. That person will know whether your authentic self will be accepted in this corporate culture. This answer, if negative, may also cause you to rethink your decision to be with this company. The good news is that you will now have the right information and insights needed to make this informed decision. Hopefully, the feedback you receive will allow to feel comfortable being your authentic self at work.

Coach Joyce Gioia, CMC®, CSP, FIMC

Being authentic means that you know yourself well enough to identify what your values, beliefs and skills are, and that you live in alignment with these, both in the office and in your personal life. When working, become aware of what values, beliefs and skills you currently are using. Think about what other natural talents you have that you may not be using, and how they can benefit your work, employer and co-workers.  Remember skills can include both soft skills, such as being an excellent communicator, and hard skills like computer or accounting skills.

Pausing periodically during the day with mindfulness on how you show up and what values, beliefs and skills you’re using, will support you in identifying if you’re really being authentic.  Ask yourself such questions as:  How am I using my skills in my work today? Am I being true to myself?  In what way can I bring in more of my natural skills to my job?  How can I benefit my co-works and employer by being authentic?   

Coach Kate Heartsong

We’ve just returned to the office full-time and my anxiety is returning with it. Is there anything I can do to calm my mind while at work so I can perform at my best, without being anxious and stressed all the time?

Kayla B.

One quick way to calm the mind is to use the power of your breath: exhale longer than you inhale. You can do this any time you feel your mind racing and tension rising. Keep at it until the mind calms. 

Another quick technique consists of shifting your attention to the soles of your feet. It sounds weird but it works wonders for getting out of your head and into the present moment. Combine the two techniques for a powerful, immediate way to be here and now so you can perform at your best. 

Coach Anne Trager, CHPC, ACC

I always recommend pairing undesired tasks with desired ones. Right now, being at the office full time brings anxiety and stress. Make a list of all your favorite things that you could take with you to the office until it adjusts back to being a better circumstance. Whether it be coffee, cozy socks, or replicating favorites from your home office. Give yourself something to look forward to like packing the best lunches for a few weeks. Focus on keeping your body physically comfortable while your brain and heart adjust at their own paces. 

Coach Jen Nash

For a lot of us work can be a contributor to stress. I have found two practices that can be helpful in this situation. 

First is having a simple and consistent mindfulness meditation practice at home. When you cultivate a safe place to be present to whatever you are thinking and feeling on your own, while regulating your breathing and nervous system, over time you can more regularly do the same in any situation. 

Second, I suggest the moment you notice stress and anxiety arise, start breathing slowly and deeply through your nose into your lower belly. Notice what you feel in your belly. From this place. Ask yourself what needs my attention right now? Listen and get curious about what is truly underneath the sensation of stress and anxiety. There is usually an underlying need that isn’t being met. What do you need right now to feel more ok? Take a mental note, write it down. Ask yourself if you can do something about it now? Then do it! If not, then thank yourself for being present to your needs. Get back to work and do something for yourself to meet your needs when you can.

Coach Evan Gonzalez, ACC, CHPC

In order to calm your mind and feel less anxiety – no matter the subject of your anxiety- it is important to remember what stress actually is: an emotion.  Stress is not a “thing” that happens to you.  Instead, it’s a state your body and mind are currently in, and that state is influenced by your internal response to the events, people and situations you’re navigating in your life. Therefore, what we often label as “stress” is actually a conglomerate of emotions you’re feeling in that moment. Emotions such as fear, anxiety, worry, frustration or more.  Understanding this definition of stress is helpful to manage it because when you soften to the idea that stress is only a mélange of emotion, you now have one job to do in order to reduce your stress: process the emotion.  The simplest and most effective way to process and release your emotion: 

Step 1:  Name what you’re actually feeling, without the story of what caused the feeling; 

Step 2:  Breathe into the waves of the emotion without fear that it’s currently in your body, and with each exhale, release the emotion one notch.   Repeat this until you are feeling the state is back to normal “neutral” and you don’t feel charged with the original emotions anymore.  

Repeat as much as necessary and remember to stay out of your head!

Cynthia Stadd Orvis

Anxiety is a natural response to growth, change and new levels of awareness. Your anxiety is part of who you are. My advice is to start with this:  

Acknowledge your anxiety with curiosity and welcome it as part of who you are. Where does it enter your body? What does it feel like physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? It’s all about full awareness of who we are, acceptance of everything about ourselves, and finally appreciation for all of who we are. We are the whole package, right? Every trait, feeling and experience expands our consciousness and helps us grow. All of you is welcome! Anxiety is a critical part of this. Make it your friend. What is it telling you or teaching you? A mantra often helps…I hear you, sense you and feel you, but I will not be affected by you. Once you have mastered and gained control, try this to create self-empowerment: “Hello anxiety, come on, hit me with your best shot, teach me, help me to grow and reach my full potential!”  Lastly, a powerful crystal for protection is red jasper. I always have one in my pocket or at my desk.

Coach Steve Reinhart, Energy Healer, RMT, ARC

Yes! There are several things you can do, even at work, to stop anxiety from taking over. The simplest of these are a 2-minute breathing exercise. Alternate nostril breathing is a very effective technique using only your thumb and ring finger. Close your eyes. With your left thumb, close your left nostril and inhale through the right. Close the right nostril with your left ring finger, exhale through the left nostril. Inhale through the left. Close it. Exhale through the right. Continue focusing only on your breathing for 2 minutes or until regrouped! 

Coach Stephanie Braden, MFP-C, CES, PES

Here at Ingomu we uplift humankind by making a positive difference in the lives of many. Via the Ingomu app, we provide holistic and equitable coaching in the areas of life, work, wellness, and soul. Coaching for everyone because everyone matters. Learn more at OFM.ingomu.com.