Lee Harrington Talks Authenticity, Kink, and Vanilla Sex

Author, educator, and authenticity instigator Lee Harrington spoke to OFM over lattes and allowed us to explore the healing and power that can come from our self exploration within ourselves and others.

More than just business savvy, Lee unites people with themselves through his work as an educator and writer. Even on the surface, Harrington’s journey into his own self exploration offers inspiration into understanding ourselves better—to celebrate all sides of ourselves.

With a background in the adult film industry, as a dominatrix, and in ceremonious sex acts, Harrington knowledge on the matters of the mind, body, and heart are well relayed even amongst the chatter of a lively coffee house. 

He has been educating since 2001, offering an intimate and unique perspective into the world of sexual exploration, kink, and self love. His years of experience in the adult film circuit (a world in which he still is heavily involved in) allowed him to build his knowledge and meet people who could elevate him, both in work and in personal life. 

Making Space for Sensuality on Grindr 

“I’m part of the world of Grindr, and I played with somebody recently … and what he was expecting was to show up, do the thing, leave, right—That’s oftentimes what people are looking for under consumerist lenses of sexuality.” 

Breaking this norm, in a recent encounter Lee introduced “eye gaze and sensual touch in all directions” in their encounter, and his partner found himself intrigued with a new side of play he’d never had the space to consider before.

“Because of how some of these hookup apps work, permission for expansiveness and creativity aren’t always available. Unless you make them there, unless you put them there.”

Consent and Kink is Key

And having a sit down in the world of kink often shows this idea that you should sit down and negotiate. There’s even giant forms you can look at. 

I have a book called Playing Well With Others that in the back of it had a literal 13-page checklist you could go through of yes, no, maybe want to try it, I tried it, never again. 

You could go through, and it’s a great flirtation tool. So I love that as a way to be able to, like, be flirty, and be, like, “Okay, we just talked about 12 ideas; which one do you want to do?”

So using checklists—super fun as a form of pre negotiation. But also, sometimes it’s about exploring through a physical curiosity. It’s a slight tap, not full force out of nowhere, but a slight tap on the bottom of someone’s ass, not the top, the bottom. (It’s a slight tap on the) bottom of someone’s ass and seeing how they respond. And if they back that trunk up, it’s like, “Oh, I’ll do more of that.” It’s the baby toe in.

It’s looking at body language. But not everyone speaks body language. Verbal and formal negotiation is a far safer and clearer tool for everybody who has the capacity to be verbal on these topics.

So I offer both proposals as either the tiny toe in, check, proceed. Or the formal negotiation ahead of time. Ahead of time could also be mean cuddled up in bed together whispering dirty words. It’s just as equal.

The challenge that sometimes comes up with these technologies, though, is people’s perceptions of whether they can actually consent and actually can actually say no. There’s a lot of power dynamics in the bedroom that people don’t pay attention to. 

For example, if one person pays all of the bills and works, and the other person stays at home, if they say no to sexual activities, will they end up getting shit and have it be some sort of drama involving the crossover of money and sex?

Or is one person older or younger? Does one person have more experience than the other? Are there racial complications that are in place based on traumas that have faced a lot of folks who are Black and indigenous around sexual oppression? These things all come into play.

Savoring Soup: Our Personal Definitions of Sex

“For some people, food is a thing that you savor, or food is a thing that means you love. If someone spent 10 hours making this chicken stock from scratch, to make this soup that they brought to you, and you didn’t even say thank you because for you, you just thought it was food.

That discrepancy can harm relationships, social relationships just as much as romantic relationships. I think the same is true for sex … If it was a thing that meant something (to them), and for you it was a “scarf down your Doritos,” that person might feel emotional wounds and not try again with someone else … The flip side though goes, if you’re the type of person who makes soup from scratch, and gives it to folks, and they will wolf it down, that’s not about the quality of your food. 

It is about their capacity to perceive what is in front of them and about their filters of how they understand and appreciate food. That’s about their wounds, and their historical joys: what they learned to savor, how they learned to love, how they learned to have sex, if they ever did.

If there is a mismatch, that is not because you’re not offering good things; it is because simply there is a mismatch. And figuring out where the mismatch is, and all parties coming to that question with curiosity is the important piece.”

Vanilla Is Expensive and “Luscious”

“I love the word ‘vanilla’; people think it’s derogatory. I love it because vanilla is a really expensive spice. And literally back in the, 1800s England went to war with Madagascar, partially over vanilla. Vanilla can go with everything, and, for some of us, that’s the ending point … and that’s not just ok, that’s luscious; savor it; delight in it; have fun with it.

If vanilla is who you are, where you are, and what brings you joy, then f the rest of them.”

Talking About Sex Work Openly Creates Safety 

Desiree Alliance used to host a conference in Vegas every year that was for sex workers of all stripes, from overnight and full time, GFE, like girlfriend experience, and brothel workers, through to street workers, dominatrixes, and everybody in between.

It was predominantly folks that were consenting to be in this field. But there were also some folks that were there and both speaking as folks helping as well as people who were trafficked. So it was a crossover between these communities that don’t often talk; they both get called sex workers.

But a trafficked experience is profoundly different than opting into a career. They’re very different topics. Even if a snapshot of them might look similar, if you don’t have the backstory, you don’t know what’s going on. 

And I was at that conference, and one of the things talked about there was the “whorearchy.”

So the “whorearchy” is the hierarchy of whores—who has more value as humans in culture, etc. 

At the very top you have that high-end escort, $5,000 a night, you know, curated experiences traveling around the world, et cetera. 

And it’s them saying, “Well, yes, I am a sex worker, but at least I’m not a dominatrix.” And the dominatrix is then saying, “Well, yes, I’m a dominatrix. But at least I’m not a phone operator.” But like this line, right, with the very last one saying, “Well, I work such and such, but at least I’m not a streetwalker.”

And it becomes this hierarchy of validity and acceptability. And I know a lot of folks who are on the high end escort and/or dominatrix side for whom the word sex work creates an association with these other tiers on the “whorearchy” that are not what they want to be aligned with. 

And that is a problem politically, because it means people aren’t fighting for their rights together. And oftentimes, it is wrapped up in capitalism, racism, and just stacks of isms.

On a final note, acknowledging what lies under the surface fosters respect for all parties involved. And besides, maybe leaning into power dynamics and exploring the darker sides of yourself could open the door to new kink exploration.

Even with expanding opportunities that apps like Grindr can offer, perhaps slow it down enough to bring dirty talk into the conversation and connect with your partner(s) in a sensuous way that will leave both of you on cloud nine.

There’s no need to rush. And fostering explorative, safe spaces can not only elevate your pleasure, but also offer the room to explore the more hidden aspects of ourselves. On your next first date, weekly hook-ups, or monthly wine and paint, consider how bringing small inclusions and mutual respect into the bedroom can turn a bumpy ride into a first class-trip.

You can find more information about Lee on their website, Passion And Soul, sign up for one of his classes, or read one of his many books—Either way, you are sure to open doors and explore different parts of yourself.

Photo courtesy of Lee Harrington