HELLO HOMO: Religous Trauma and Christmas

Hello Homo,

Christmas is a huge trigger for me. I hate it! I was raised in the evangelical church and got out over a decade ago, but it is still inside me. Christmas is fun for everyone else, but not for me! It’s like walking through a field of land minds. I was abused in and out of the church for being queer. Nothing about Christmas is fun for me. Am I the only one who hates Christmas?

Sarah- Colorado Springs

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for writing in and sharing your experience. I have a feeling many OFM readers will relate to this sentiment. A dear friend of mine, Kit Morgan, is a religious trauma-informed therapist in New York State and the founder of The Liberated Porch. Kit is a content creator, a writer, and an all-around powerhouse. In their recent blog post, “Healing from Religious Trauma During Christmastime: Finding Joy Amid The Holiday Season on The Liberated Porch,”  Kit provides a three-step approach to reclaiming the holidays informed by their personal and clinical experience healing religious trauma. I want all OFM readers to take a second and go read Kit’s blog.

I had the chance to talk with Kit directly about your question. Kit, as a therapist, how do you support clients who are experiencing trauma related to Christmas?  

During the holidays, there are just so many triggers whenever someone is going through any form of religious trauma. This is especially true when you come from evangelicalism (like Sarah) because there is a massive buildup in evangelicalism about Christmas time, including having what they call “special offerings” where you must give 10% of your income to the church. This creates a compounding stress within evangelicalism. For anyone, money plays a really big role in mental health whenever there is financial strain or unrealistic financial expectations.

In general, Christmas is hard for most people; this is especially true with people living with religious trauma of any kind. There is all of this messaging like, “keep the Christ in Christmas” and this belief of the “war on Christmas.” This is radical evangelicalism talk. These different phrases and messages make it hard for people to get away from religious trauma triggers because of the intensity of these messages all around us this season.

In your blog, you say, “Religious trauma around Christmas can arise from several sources. The holiday is often framed as a time of peace and goodwill, but for those who have experienced harm in religious settings, it can serve as a reminder of past wounds.”

Emotional expectations are challenging for everyone this time of year. There’s pressure to be joyful, to find love, and to be with family (and enjoy it). Again, those expectations take significant tolls on people’s mental health.

This is the darkest time of year (literally); people are more likely to experience depression in this season. We are coming out of an election season as well. On top of that, there is a higher rate of people dying around this time of year. So, there is natural grief, including death anniversaries around the holidays. That’s a lot of emotional pressure on a cultural level.

This natural and normal heaviness at this time of year is often shut down by people saying, “Well, you should just be grateful,” or “You should just be happy and joyful; it’s Christmas.” Minimizing authentic, valid, and complex feelings plays a significant role in people’s mental health. It makes sense that so many people have a complicated relationship with the holidays.

What was your motivation for writing this blog?

I had a hard time finding joy in the Christmas season when I was a young child. It didn’t seem that joyful of a time. On top of that, my family went through a house fire after our Advent wreath caught fire on Christmas Eve. Like, even the candles that started the fire were from Hallmark, and I couldn’t even watch Hallmark movies.

I ended up going to therapy and did exposure therapy. I was really surprised I was able to re-conceptualize what this time of year meant for me. I was able to find a lot of joy in this season, and it was something I never could have thought would have happened.

In my therapy practice, I see many clients who can’t even imagine what it would be like to find joy during this time of year. I use my lived experience, my experience of healing that trauma, to help them recreate their own Christmas narrative. So, I’ve worked with several clients over multiple Christmases, and they are getting to a point where they’re like, “This is really weird, but I’m actually looking forward to Christmas.”  That’s fucking awesome to see.

What advice do you have for readers trying to change their relationship with the holiday, their personal trauma, and/or the social pressures of holiday joy?

Sometimes, you need to think entirely outside the box to reclaim something. In the town where I used to live, there was an event called Oh, Tannenbaum. Community members would bring their Christmas trees to the beachfront in town, pile them up, and set them on fire. That seems incredibly freeing.

So, I encourage people to find their version of Oh, Tannenbaum. What can you take back and reclaim, and how do you want to do it? What are the symbols of what you had experienced before that led to religious trauma? How are you going to light them on fire (metaphorically)? What are you going to be doing to reconceptualize them?

Brilliant, we can never change the past, but we can change the way we relate to it moving forward. And that does include Christmas.

Totally. That said, if you decide to put up Christmas decorations and, as you are putting them up, you think, “Never mind,” or “I don’t like this,” put them away. Don’t leave them up.

Hell yeah. So, Kit, any final thoughts for the OFM readers?

Well, this might be a bit controversial, but I heard someone say “Put the Pagan back in Christmas,” so I think that’s the closing thing I’d like to share. Let’s put the Pagan back in Christmas.

Gorg! Thank you for sharing your perspectives and insights. It’s a pleasure, as always. Sarah, I hope this was helpful, and I hope you and all the OFM readers go follow Kit Morgan and sign up for Kit’s newsletter on The Liberated Porch.

Follow me on Instagram @holistic.homosexual for updates on my column and stay tuned for the next HELLO HOMO! See you next week!

Have a question you would like answered? Submit your questions directly to me at hellohomo@ofm.media.

Disclaimer: Hello Homo is for informational and educational purposes and is not a substitute for mental health treatment. Hello Homo (Jesse Proia) is not providing mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment to readers. If you are someone you know is experience a mental health crisis or emergency, please contact 911, 988 or go to the nearest emergency room