HELLO HOMO: Going Out Sober with Salina EsTitties
Hello Homo!
I have been sober for a little under a year. Gurl, I am dying to go out, but I haven’t been to a bar, club, or party since I stopped using. I am afraid to relapse, but goddamn, I just need to dance. What do you got?
-Adam, Five Points
Hello Adam!
Thank you for this very honest and vulnerable question. I’m sure the majority of OFM readers can empathize or identify with your sentiments, to some degree. LGBTQ+ culture and history are founded and built upon substance use, bar, and nightlife culture. But when it gets in the way of us living our lives, we have to change our relationship to it. To answer this question, I’m honored to bring on MTV’s RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 15 contestant, lip-synch assassin, and all-around bad ass Salina EsTitties!
Salina EsTitties: Hi Adam from Five Points! Your question speaks to my heart. First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS!! Because that’s not easy! Just getting 30 days is a triumph, and to have almost a year is amazing. Go celebrate with a sober community. I don’t know if you have a sober community or what that looks like for you.
Find Your Crew
I know for me, I found it (community) in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous (AA). I found sober people my age; I found people who had the same amount of sobriety as me. We all were itching to do the same thing, to go dance!
You know I am a nightlife diva. I had to be in the bars very early on in my sobriety. Even when I had my first three days sober, I went dancing. What made it safe for me to go out was to have sober companions with me who understood my situation and respected it. Because you’ll run into some old friends who will be like, “Sober January girl, take a drink,” and then you go down the rabbit hole again. So, it’s important to be with like-minded people.
Absolutely, sober safety planning is my number-one tip for folks leading up to any high-substance use events like Pride or the holidays. You are talking about having a sober social safety plan on the regular.
Know when to Leave
Yes, and knowing when to leave the party, girl. You gotta know when to leave and be like, “You know what, I danced enough; I’m sweaty enough; I’m OK. Let me go get some McDonald’s and go to bed.” You have to just be very honest with yourself, like I don’t need to stay here. There’s no after party that’s going to fulfill me like I think it is.
You know, there’s that mindset, especially with people who struggle with addiction, that idea of, where’s the next hit coming from? Let the hit of dancing for an hour, however long it is, be enough for you, and be honest with yourself, and be like, I’m good, I can go now.
Sometimes I leave the party before midnight, and I’m content. At the end of the day, you’re not missing out on anything, honey. There is always going to be another club. There’s always going to be another dance party. There’s always going to be another event, and another drag queen looking for a dollar in the corner. Hello!
Be the Vibe
If I start to feel squirrelly in a bar or insecure sometimes when I’m dancing, like if there are hot guys around, I’m like, Oh, my God, they’re looking at me. I slow down, and instead of thinking about drinking, I start to reconnect to the like-minded people, and I start to connect to my authenticity, right?
It is so easy to lose our power, lose ourselves, when we feel judged or less than.
Cause I’m like, I want to be around the energy. That’s who I am. Let that come out, and then what you’ll find is the Hawkeyes (overly observant, often attractive, likely judgmental gays) start to notice you, bitch, because you’re dancing your tittes off!!!!!
All of a sudden, (the Hawkeyes) want to shake their titties, too. And now you’ve inspired someone because you were just being yourself, who is inspired by like-minded people. I always try to find those people when I’m dancing in the clubs. Look for the people who are being so free and just letting the music take over. And there’s a sense of spirituality in that for me.
So many people feel they need a little liquid courage to go out, go dancing, to be authentically themselves.
You don’t need it. I’ve been going out for the past 13 years sober, having fun! Each time I go out, I do a process like this within myself. I gravitate towards people who are having fun, letting loose.
How long did it take for you to find your meeting or your community to find that companionship?
It’s hard, like even now, after Drag Race. I have such a hard time finding companionship and friendship that’s not rooted in, like, fandom, or, like, the idea of celebrity, you know?
People have ideas of what it looks like being on MTV or on RuPaul’s Drag Race. They have a whole conception of you, and it’s hard to erase that conception, especially after being on a TV show that has presented me as a fraction of who I actually am. So it’s hard to find people who are, like, just authentically willing to listen and be there for me. I struggle with that a lot. But I built a core foundation in sober communities, just going to meetings and being honest, that I know that that’s always a safe place for me to go to.
What advice do you have for Adam and other OFM readers looking for sober companionship and community?
There are meetings everywhere, all around the world, all the time! They are on Zoom or in person if you have access to them.
If meetings aren’t your thing, and you’re sobering up on your own or went to treatment or rehab, and you don’t have a community, then there are thousands of resources online to find community in that sense.
I know the community online isn’t the same. But we spend half our days on our phones. Instead of doom scrolling on TikTok, you can hit up some sober influencers, find some sober TikToks or recovery podcasts, or listen to podcasts about spirituality. I have thrown myself into audiobooks about spirituality. It’s been like my saving grace lately. Finding a connection with a power greater than myself is the way that I stay grounded.
How about for Adam here and other newbies who fear relapse? What advice do you have for people who fear living their lives because they’re afraid of relapse?
I mean, living in fear, that’s no way to live. You know what I mean; we want to live; we don’t want to be hiding away in our dungeons like Gollum, honey. We want to get out there like Frodo and find that, right? So, we gotta go roam the hills barefoot. And you don’t get to do that unless you step outside the house. Take off your shoes and walk on the grass. You’ve got to allow yourself the chance to live and experience life.
For so long, as people who struggle with alcoholism and addiction, we have robbed ourselves of living life. We sunk ourselves into a little hole of non-existence. Now, without drugs and alcohol, we have the capability and opportunity to go try to exist in the world, and it’s not easy. We know what happens when we take drugs and alcohol and try to exist in the world. We fall flat. We are hung over; we lose our jobs, our kids, our relationships, and our money. Bad things happen when we use; we know this. We don’t know what happens when we don’t use and try to exist.
There is power in not knowing and the unknown. It can be whatever; the options are infinite, but if you struggle with substances, you know if you use, it’s going to be bad. So, the math of it all suggests not knowing and not using has a better probability than using.
Are you done yet?
I was a crystal meth addict. The first time I got sober, I was like, “OK, I’m just going to go out for some drinking.” So, I relapsed on just alcohol. With that alcohol use, I started to see patterns that brought me back to crystal, and I said, “How did I get here?”
Ask yourself, are you not done? Because they (AA) say if you’re not done, then go finish. But you never know, you may not get a second chance to come back. So that’s the scary part. I was 21, and I was able to see sober people who had big, extravagant lives and deep, meaningful relationships, and careers as a result of their sobriety. I was like, well, I want that! And 13 years later, I’m building that now, and I don’t want to let it go because a relapse equals letting go of everything I’ve built, and so give yourself a chance to build.
It’s easy not to build and just keep relapsing. But if you give yourself the chance to build a little bit, you’ll be proud of what you’re building and not want to lose it. Then you’ll find yourself like where I’m at, and I’m not letting a little drug or a little feeling get in the way of that!
With sobriety, programs, resources, people, and communities, podcasts, all the tools, you don’t need drugs and alcohol to deal with your feelings or thoughts; that’s the reason we use them; we can’t handle our feelings.
Oh my god, I know! And there is just so much going on in the world; there has been for years; it’s hard to manage feelings with the nonsense of the news.
It’s hard. We are also in a time right now that is very scary, very unknown. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. There’s chaos on our newsfeed every freaking day scrolling through Instagram. I’m like, what? Katy Perry, in space … sometimes you’re like, the world’s too much to deal with.
But I will say this: drugs and alcohol will only make things worse and cut you off from your success (whatever that means for you). A lot of successful people are not drinking or using. They’re meditating; they’re connected. They’re hustling; they’re helping others. That is where the true magic happens.
Well, through this interview and answering Adam’s question, it seems like you’ve established yourself as one of these amazing online resources for inspiration, support, and role modeling for sobriety! Thanks, EsTitties, for chatting with me today!
Of course, thank you for having me!
Any chance you will come back to Denver this year?
I would absolutely love to! I love Denver, the Springs, all over the state!
Queen, you know Denver loves you! You tore that shit down in 2023 when you were Denver Prides headliner!
That was so much fun! So yeah, if Denver and Colorado loves me as much as I love them, talk to your bars, your festivals, your promoters, all those people who can book and promote the girls! Let them know you want these titties!
How about projects and things you’re working on that you’d like Colorado and Rocky Mountain folks to check out?
Go check out my website, you can buy my merch!
Come get a cameo with me! The link is on my Instagram!
I have a YouTube channel where I post different videos all the time!
Follow me and keep your eyes out, I have a lot of projects in the works!
Follow me on Instagram @holistic.homosexual for updates on my column, and stay tuned for the next HELLO HOMO! See you next week!
Have a question you would like answered? Submit your questions directly to me at hellohomo@ofm.media
Disclaimer: Hello Homo is for informational and educational purposes and is not a substitute for mental health treatment. Hello, Homo (Jesse Proia) is not providing mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment to readers. If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please contact 911, 988 or go to the nearest emergency room.
Images/photos courtesy of Salina EsTitties.
