Your ‘ness’ is showing

I had someone remark to me a couple of weeks back that I was truly an individual. She said that being a student of psychology, meeting an actual individual is unusual for her. I smiled and said, “Thank you.” Then it got me thinking.

I was lousy at high school. I never quite got the concept of fitting in. I think some of that had to do with being a black girl in a predominantly white school. I also held fiercely to the knowledge that I wasn’t like “these people” because I was from the East Coast. I also think that because I was in a different school every year from fifth grade until I was a junior in high school, I had to be myself. I was the only constant in my life.

We, socially speaking, spend a lot of time finding ways to “fit in.” Even as gay people, we still dress a certain way, hang out in certain places, and participate in specific events to feel part of specific groups. Like high school, it’s as though we still don’t believe that people will accept us unless we can prove we’re like them.

In life, just like high school, it’s all about choosing a group to belong to. My question has always been why do I have to choose one? Why should I only talk to certain people and not others? I think everyone has so many fascinating aspects. It is not only about beating my own drum; it is about grooving to everyone else’s drums.

I understand that it feels good when you meet someone who likes what you like, thinks the way that you do, wears the same size shoe (it doubles the possibilities for shoe choices). It feels safe, like you’re not alone. But it’s an illusion – no one is really like you. We are each our own person. We have our own minds, our own thoughts; we have our own, as my friend Stacy calls it, “-ness.”

Your “-ness” is the thing that makes you, you. Your “-ness” is the essence of everything that makes you truly amazing and wonderful. There are many things about us that are similar, yet even identical twins aren’t really identical. Everyone is unique and wonderful in her or his own way. Everyone has her or his own “-ness.”

I’m writing a book, as some of you may know, called The Joy of Being You. It’s about connecting to joy every day – that your individuality, your “-ness,” is something to be celebrated, even the parts you’d rather not have. I am smart, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful and funny. I can also be jealous, mean-spirited, egocentric and kinda bitchy. Though I would prefer if people only know about the parts that make me look good, I have to love all of my parts – all of my “-ness.”

Being my authentic self and owning all of my parts has been and continues to be quite an adventure. I have to trust myself a lot. I have to believe in my worth even when I’m surrounded by strangers. I have to remind myself that I really only want people in my life that love me for me, not because I’m like them. I have to know, to my core, that if someone is judging me of being unworthy of their friendship then it’s their loss, cause my Robyn-ness is incredible.

My friend Jody B. used to say all the time, “Every morning look in the mirror, roll your shoulders back three times and say I am a good person.” I always liked the idea of that. It’s a mantra to get your day going. I have my private clients do something like this every day. Each person may have a different mantra. Everyone has their own thing that they need to be reminded of. No matter what’s being said, it’s a great way to start your day. Before anyone can tell you differently, you make sure the first thing you hear every day is how great you are.

So, let’s kick up our heels, do a jig, raise a glass and celebrate our “-ness.” Those drums are sounding pretty great!