Yoda and his Young, Gay Jedi

When I think of older guys, I think knowledge. I’ve always been attracted to them, ever since I came out when I was 16. But what’s fascinating about an older man? And why would an older guy want someone like me? Does it work? I dove into this issue with two of my older friends. They’ve had their fair share of indulgences with younger men and I wanted to know why. The results were fascinating to me and I finally understood the topic from a different perspective.

Benny is someone I’ve known for years and he’s also great friends with my older brother. I was instantly attracted to him because he has jet-black hair and sparkling blue eyes, but my brother (at the time) told me to stay back. We’re 20 years apart and that was enough for my brother. I asked Benny, “Why do you think older men go for younger, twink types?” I was almost positive he was going to say it’s for the sex, that there’s something fabulous about hooking up with a young man in his 20s. With Benny, this wasn’t the case. He gave me something I’ve never thought about.

“I met a 26-year-old on Grindr and he served a purpose for me. We ended up hooking up which eventually led to dating and he became my boyfriend for about a year. He became someone to educate, impart my wisdom on, and groom. I wanted to show my worldly ways, because I was someone who had the answers — I lived it. In some ways, I was the protector. It gave me purpose, self worth, and made me feel like I had something to offer someone else. In a weird way, like a father to a child, it felt good that someone was looking to me for advice.”

I found this so fascinating. It wasn’t about sex (even though the sex was “pretty good”); it was about protecting and teaching someone. Benny educated a young man who needed support in the gay world. Too many young gay men aren’t educated and know zilch about this chaotic community. There’s so much going on and there’s so much to learn. Benny was somewhat of a Yoda to a young Jedi. It’s like: ‘Here’s the gayborhood, let me show you the world!’

“Age has never been a thing for me,” Benny told me. “I get along with all ages. So I never treated him as beneath me. I view that as demeaning. We’re all equal to a certain degree. We all have something to offer. Early in the relationship, I would reference music, TV shows, and movies and there was a disconnect. I needed to educate him.” I totally understand this. I myself was lost and naive when I was younger.

I used to talk Riley, another older friend, when I was in my early 20s. (He’s such a flirt.) He was always talking to younger guys and there was a strong attraction with his young boyfriends. I asked him the same thing and his answer was surprisingly the same, which kind of shocked me.

“I particularly enjoy showing somebody the world or being able to help people along a path you’ve already gone down. That’s more emotional than attraction.” There must be tons of older gents just wanting companionship and someone to share their life with. They want to share their wisdom and “gay smarts.” That’s so beautiful. I sometimes wish I had someone like that when I was coming out. It would’ve been a lot easier. I had one too many guys just wanting sex and not enough real connection. No one really took me under their wing, and I didn’t have a strong alliance around me. I was on my own.

“I do know for certain it’s not about trying to be young myself, which I think a lot of people might assume. If anything, it makes you feel older when he doesn’t get your references or has unbounded energy.” I guess after a certain point, the newness and freshness of this young boy may become too much. When it comes to 20+ years, maybe the age gap is too much? Could a relationship that’s 20 years apart really last? I’m not sure. With these two men, the relationships didn’t. The age gap was just too big.

I do believe in love, however, and I trust if both men are compatible enough, the relationship will last. There are so many factors that go into a relationship — age shouldn’t be the main issue here. Some older men like younger guys and vice versa. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. Like my mother has always said: “Age is nothing but a number.”