Beer, hot wings, and men in tight pants. Does it get any better than that? Welcome back to football season, folks.
For the football posers who just love to get dressed up in their orange and blue: We (the true fans) appreciate your involvement even though you don’t really know what you’re talking about. We like it when you clap and yell when we do, but it’s time you at least learned a few rules of the game.
Let’s just talk about the basics. There are 11 members from each team on the field at all times, for both offense — the people who have the ball and are trying to get it down the field into the end zone — and for the team playing defense.
Football has four 15-minute quarters and a 12-minute half time break. Without going too deep into timings of snaps and end changes, just remember that the clock will stop throughout the game. It’s going to stop a lot to signal everything from incomplete passes, penalties, players out of bounds, etc. So if you think the game is basically a quickie, think again, chug a beer, and settle in for a minimum of two hours.
Whoo! Pat yourselves on the back, we’ve gotten this far.
So let’s talk about those guys in the tight pants. Each team has their offense, their defense, and their special teams. The guys who run out onto the field to punt and kick field goals are from the special teams.
Pretend you’re drunkenly standing somewhere near or in Sports Authority Field. The game officially starts when a guy kicks the ball from the defense’s 30-yard line. From there, the offensive plays start as they try to advance the ball down the field.
When the offense has the ball, they have four chances, or “downs,” to gain 10 yards. If they are successful in these endeavors, they get another first down and has another four chances to advance the ball another 10 yards. If they fail, they lose the possession of the ball and it goes to the other team. Lather, rinse, repeat.
If you’ve come this far, let’s just finish this out. The two main ways the offense can advance the ball is through a run or a pass. A run is when the quarterback — let’s go with Peyton Manning — hands the ball off to the running back. The pass happens when there are too many guys running at Peyton and he throws it to either the wide receiver or the tight end. It’s complete when these guys — Demaryius Thomas, Wes Welker, Julius Thomas, Jacob Tamme, or Virgil Green — catch the ball!
If you’ve read this article and the game has only become clear as mud, then just dress the part and talk like you know it all. If you’re near one of our male staffers, you can break the ice with “I really miss Eric Decker’s abs, but Andre Caldwell is looking pretty good.”
Kohls and Dick’s Sporting Goods has the best bang for your buck for all your NFL sporting needs, but there will most definitely also be dozens of guys standing along Federal selling shirts that say “She loves the D” or “Peyton F**king Manning.”
As long as you drink beer and hail #18, you’ll be good to go.
