Unconditional Love vs. Pentecostal Beliefs
They say that love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. My past definitions of love have been obscured by religious beliefs, generational values, and personal turmoil—that is, until now. My therapist asked me to define how I see love and for examples. I thought I knew the answer to that question: respect, no judgements, trust, loyalty, open communication, forgiveness; the list could go on. So what do I really believe about love? I believe all love should be unconditional, what would the point be if it weren’t? What is also an example is how I love my niece and nephew.
The love I have for my best friends are an example of how much I love them unconditionally.
What I believe love is is a warmth that caresses your heart and soul. It’s good memories and the happiness I have felt in those moments. The warmth I felt as I held my niece and nephew for the first time. While they were in my arms, it felt as if that was the first pure, unconditional love and infinite joy I have felt in a decade. When they grasped my fingers with their little hands my heart swelled with happiness. That love is innocent and pure, it isn’t tarnished or beaten down like the love I have for my parents.
I am realizing that the love I have for my parents isn’t unconditional, and that bothers me. Shouldn’t I have that kind of love for them? Maybe, I don’t because their love for me is conditional. In order for me to receive unconditional love, I have to be in a relationship with a man, or be celibate. My mother has told me on multiple occasions that she didn’t want me to become a teacher. She was afraid I would influence my students to be gay. Even adoption, for my father, was out of the question. He once told me that if I were to adopt, they wouldn’t be his grandchildren because they weren’t his blood. It’s examples like this that shows me conditional love does exist even within families.
My best friend Dani and I have been in two fights in the 14 years we have been besties. I chose to hook up with a girl instead of coming home to go out for halloween with her. It wasn’t until we spoke about it after that I found out she was upset with me. Apologizing wasn’t enough this time. Time was the answer, and eventually, she forgave me, but that stayed with me for years. The forgiveness is makes this an example of unconditional love, no matter how much I hurt her I was still forgiven.
I strive to be a better person in every aspect of my life and I do that by being like Jesus. The teachings I grew up hearing were, to me, based on hate. They chose to follow more of the Mosaic laws in the Old Testament, in which you base your decisions on the 10 commandments and the Fear of God. As Christians, we should follow Jesus’ example from the New Testament, which are faith, hope, charity, love, virtue, patience, humility, peace, truth, righteousness, service, and gratitude.
That is why it bothers me that I don’t love my family unconditionally. Can I truly love them for who they are even if I don’t agree with their beliefs? There are many cases in which I don’t believe someone’s opinions and beliefs, but do love the person unconditionally. So, what is the answer? I love my parents and family so much, but the harm they do to my mental health is detrimental. Maybe that’s where acceptance comes into play. I have for many years, tried to accepted the fact that they will never see my life as I see it. They believe me being a homosexual is a choice so, therefore, I am an abomination and going to hell. My family has prayed for my soul, that God will enlighten me, and that I could essentially “pray the gay away.”
When I was in my 20s, all I wanted from them was acceptance and respect, that they accept that I am different than them, but that doesn’t change the person that I am. My soul is what keeps me a compassionate and passionate person. While telling myself that I wanted acceptance and respect, I also realized that I should also give that to them. It has been nearly a decade since that thought; and it wasn’t until April of this year that I got to that point. Changing their minds about me would never change. I can’t control that, but I can control how I perceive myself and how I feel about my beliefs.
So in all, unconditional love is just that love and it comes in all forms. I am now learning in this letter that I love my family as close to unconditional as I can. Everyone has the right to their opinions, without fear of judgement. But just because I love and accept them for who they are doesn’t mean I need them in my life. Their love, for me, is conditional and that is detrimental to my mental health and I have to protect myself. It is the love I have for myself that gives me the peace I need to let go.
All I have to do is love myself unconditionally. I have to continue to grow as a person who knows they are deserving of love from themselves. Every person you encounter in life are different than you and what that means is that you can still love them no matter the differences. What’s the most important to me is loving yourself unconditionally. It is only then that you can give love unconditionally.
Self-discovery comes in waves, and I’m learning this after a year and a half of therapy. I have lived over half my life in self-doubt, self-sabotage, lack of confidence, and the worst being self-hatred because of how I was raised. It is now my time to join others in the light and become the person I am meant to be, in all forms of my life.
