I found Derick and Nicole by going to Denver Craigslist personal ads and searching “poly.” Of the three I reached out to, only he responded.
I met them at an Applebee’s in a Denver suburb near where they live. They were open with me about their relationship, but the interview was conducted on the premise that I wouldn’t use their full names. (Derick and Nicole can’t be open about their chosen polyamorous lifestyle with some family and friends.)
The pair has been seeking a third for their relationship the past couple years. They’ve been married eight, dated for 13, and have known each other longer.
“The start of it was the realization that she was bi[sexual], so we started experimenting with that,” Derick says. “From there, it grew to girls or couples. We figured after awhile that we didn’t have as much fun with one-night stands versus people we saw multiple times.”
They seem to interact mostly with picture collectors on Craigslist who never intend to be involved in their relationship, and potential new girlfriends who chicken out before the first meeting.
“We decided it would be easier if we just had a girlfriend,” Derick admits. “Why not just take some time to find that one and be done?”
“Kerry” took a different path
Kerry, who is nearly 30, has been with her husband since they were 14.
“Kind of been through everything together,” she says.
They took a few breaks while dating to pursue other people then kept an open relationship while married.
“Slowly we just kind of figured out that it wasn’t that we want to end our relationship and not be together — we just didn’t necessarily want to be exclusive,” she says.
But they weren’t interested in the “swingers” lifestyle. About a year ago, Kerry met her current girlfriend.
“It actually kind of started because she wanted to spend more time with me. We were getting really serious, but my husband — I still wanted to spend time with him,” she explains. “And I didn’t want to have to choose between them.” Kerry’s girlfriend suggested they all hang out together. “And then we all just kind of clicked and got along really well,” she says.
Now they live together
Kerry’s girlfriend keeps her sexual orientation shrouded from her conservative, Christian parents in Illinois.
For Derick and Nicole, they’ve lost friendships when they’ve been honest about their relationship goals. And while Derick’s siblings know about his polyamorous lifestyle, it’s a secret to his parents.
“Most people believe you’re only supposed to be in love with one person and I don’t know if they just believe that because that’s what they’re taught,” Derick says. For it to work, Derick and Nicole both say it comes down to trust.
“A lot of people are more jealous minded and they look at it like, ‘How could you share him with somebody?’” Nicole explains.
“Doc” organizes a monthly meeting for those in the polyamorous lifestyle or interested in it. The group can be found on MeetUp.com.
“I think polyamory is still not widely accepted due to outdated social beliefs and lack of understanding,” Doc writes in an email to OUT FRONT. “Quite often, it seems polyamory is conflated with swinging or cheating leading to the conclusion [that] polyamory is focused on sex or is unethical, which is not the case at all. While this confusion is understandable given its results from a lack of understanding, the problem then becomes that most people do not want their beliefs challenged and will refuse education, preferring to frame polyamory based on their own experiences which are often, in reality, contextually meaningless.”
How it works
“We have rules; we don’t just sleep with anybody,” Derick says.
Derick and Nicole want to find someone to date, as one would in a traditional relationship, to find the right fit for their marriage.
“It’s got to be 100% the right person if we’re going to bring someone like that into our marriage,” Nicole says. “It’s not just that we find somebody we think is attractive and we kind of get along with.”
Doc says polyamory supports personal freedom and choice, allowing people to deepen friendships and relationships while growing love exponentially.
“The core do’s and don’ts in a polyamorous relationship are similar to those in a monogamous relationship,” writes Laurie Ellington, a relationship and life coach who runs the website Poly-Coach.com. “The main difference, of course, is that there are more people involved with polyamory. This means more personalities to consider, more experiences to have, more emotions to feel, more communication, etc.”
Those in a poly relationship say the benefits outweigh the struggles.
“It’s also been really nice to have the emotional support,” Kerry says. “If one of us is at work or just too busy, someone else has someone else to talk to.”
