Tips for a Thriving Long-Term Queer Relationship

We are living in a world where queer visibility is more important than ever. Specifically in terms of relationships, it is important to see long-term relationships represented in culture and media. For those of us in relationships, it can provide a blueprint on how to navigate the trials and tribulations of queer love. For those of us who are single, queer LTR’s can provide hope in a world full of meaningless hookups and frustrating app exchanges.

Eugene Ebner and Paul Page are celebrating their 10-year wedding anniversary by taking part in Variety Magazine’s “America’s Favorite Couple” contest—not just for fun, but as an act of joyful resistance. Their goal is to use the platform to uplift LGBTQ+ youth, as the contest supports queer charities. They are in the final two, so I thought it might be a good idea to sit down and pick their brains about what makes a successful queer LTR.

Eugene and Paul have been together for 12 years, which is something we can all aspire to if we wish. Here are their suggestions for how to make love last in the face of hookup culture and meaningless connection.

Radical Communication 

With an 18-year age difference, Eugene and Paul knew from the beginning that open communication is essential. The idea of radical communication—a situation where either party can say anything and the other will not make it ‘mean anything’ about themselves was essential, and groundbreaking in a time when such terms didn’t exist. In the early days of their relationship, Eugene and Paul discussed everything including finances, religion and politics, family values, sexual desires and boundaries, and expectations of monogamy. They created an open dialogue around these topics and have nurtured that dialogue to this day. “We’re both demisexual,” they share. “For us, emotional connection is vital—no matter what we’re exploring.”

Supporting Personal Growth

Eugene and Paul realized that a long term commitment to each other means that both of them would be changing and growing at different rates and times. Separate from their commitment to each other they committed to that process and both sought to always understand the other’s circumstances, changes, and needs. “We’re learning that love grows when both people are choosing it, not needing it.”

They also emphasize that one partner can’t meet every need—and that’s OK. Maintaining individuality, friendships, and self-care ensures the relationship remains balanced and strong.

Healing Together 

Coming from conservative religious backgrounds, both partners carried shame around sexuality and identity. Together and individually, they’ve pursued sexual healing and body positivity through practices like tantra and trauma-informed therapy. They recognized that they both had to unlearn a lot of traumatic lessons they learned growing up and dedicated themselves to their own healing, as well as supporting the healing of their partner. “We’re not a sin,” they affirm. “Together, we are sacred.”

Loving someone means accepting every part of them. As queer people we all have our own personal traumas and baggage that we bring to a relationship. Accepting, understanding, and trying to grow from each other’s trauma ultimately brings couples closer together. Creating a safe space for that kind of vulnerability is mandatory.

Staying Playful

Marriage wasn’t always the goal, but once they reconnected after years apart—having originally met in a 1998 production of Guys and Dolls—they knew their love was worth building a life around. They also knew that to create a long-standing life together they would have to learn not to take things too seriously, and not be afraid to explore.

“Trying new things together helps us stay curious about each other,” they say. Whether it’s travel, new hobbies, or sensual exploration, shared experiences keep the spark alive.”

When one party is interested in trying something new, they try to meet that desire with curiosity instead of judgement and create an atmosphere where new experiences are encouraged.

Family Building

We are lucky to live in a day and age where family comes in all shapes and sizes. We are also lucky as queer people to be able to create our own families. Eugene and Paul set out to create a family together but also brought friends into their shared family, as well as children.

Paul brings two wonderful adult children into the relationship, and they’ve embraced Eugene with open arms. “We’re a family,” they say proudly. “And we celebrate our love together.” Creating a shared family allows them to each have their own network that blends into one large found family, meaning they always have support from each other, and the people around them.

When it comes to relationships, there is no right or wrong answer. In our society, we are taught that love can only look one way, but as queer people, we discover through curiosity, exploration, and the Internet that there are many ways to love someone, and many archetypes for relationships. Eugene and Paul have spent much of their time being monogamous, but acknowledge that doesn’t always work for everyone. So if you take one thing from reading about their relationship, let it be this: Love involves commitment. That doesn’t mean committing to monogamy or any other defined set of rules set up by society. It means committing to love itself and showing up every day willing to put in the effort to be someone’s support system, friend, lover, and partner.

That may look different for every person that reads this. As well it should. With all of the ugliness going on in the world, we need to focus more on sharing, showing, and experiencing love in whatever form that may take.

Photo courtesy of Eugene and Paul