There’s something in the hair

By now, I think our relationship has evolved to the point where I can finally share my beauty secrets and not have to kill you. Bless the hearts of all those that came before you, may they rest in peace.

There are two things I always spend money on to look good in drag, and I suggest you do the same, drag or sans drag. Those two things are hair and shoes. This time round, we’ll concentrate on your locks.

The first time I ever did drag I thought, “Oh, this will be easy. I will just buy a colored wig, tease the hell out of it and plop it on my head.” Wrong! I was oh–so–very wrong. If you looking for horribly mangled road kill atop your noggin’, then give that a try.

Some gays were given the gene for hair bumping. I was not one of them. I have learned there is a difference between synthetic hair wigs and real human hair wigs. (That just sounds creepy, now matter how you say it. You’re wearing someone’s chopped off hair on your head. Eww.)

So for my colorful beehives and bouffants, I turned to the experts, Asian women. They know manicures, pedicures and how to tease hair to heaven. Those little women can produce some big results.

At first I was getting my hair from a place on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles. It was not cheap ($300 a styled wig) but it was amazing. The only trouble was that even with the strongest of hair sprays, the styling only lasts so long. If it were not for dry Colorado air, that hair would have gone flatter than a possum at a steamroller convention

In order to make the most of my big hair investments, I developed my Nuclia Waste Secret Weapon Hair Spray. Here’s the recipe:

1 part Elmer’s Clear School Gel Glue

1 part warm water

Mix and fill a spray bottle. Spray the hell out of the wig until it is moist, but not wet. And now, for the most important part, hang it upside down to dry overnight. The next morning you will have helmet hair to die for. That styling will last through a hurricane or a few double black diamonds at Telluride Gay Ski Week. With my secret formula, your wig styling will last for years.

Since then I have found another place in California that can bump some good hair, this time in San Diego, Granada Wigs. They charge half the price and their wigs are impeccable.

So there you have it. Beauty hair secrets, and you get to live.