The trouble with rebounds

A well known joke –
Q: What does a gay guy bring to a second date?
A: What second date?
Q: What does a lesbian bring to a second date?
A: A U-Haul!

Nic Garcia, Out Front Colorado’s Associate Publisher, once joked with me about a 45-minute relationship he had one night. Tellingly, the joke is the opposite for women. But regardless of the line about lesbians moving too fast, two dates never signifies a move in. A hookup doesn’t mean love. Even if, in the moment, we really want to believe it does.

I have had many loves in my life. Since before my first breath, family, friends and lovers have offered it. Sometimes I thought they were crazy – struggling to love myself.

Until last year, I spent 20 years in romantic relationships, one after another. The issue that really began beating me over the head in the last couple of months is that there are others that struggle with this as well. Our solution to the question – are we loved? – is to try to never be alone.

We’ve all had friends who made a quick transition from coupled to single, then back. At certain times of the year it’s more common: romances often end right before June, just in time to find a new one at Pride. New relationships start right before it gets cold – because you want someone new to cuddle with through the cold, dark months. Then the spring thaw comes, and people figure out that they really can’t stand their partners, bringing us back to the late-spring breakup. I mean, if you broke up on Tuesday, no later than Wednesday afternoon you’ve got to have a new girlfriend.

What?! I began to think that I had a misunderstanding about what a “girlfriend” was.

When my last relationship ended, I realized I had spent 20 years in relationships, and I had only spent a total of eight months as ‘only Robyn.’ I had changed so much from the person I was way-back-when that I thought it high time to get to know myself again. I had an incredible journey.

My glaring observation during this journey was how little time people spent mourning their previous relationships, jumping into another. There’s a soft rule about the length of time it takes to heal a lost relationship: five years together equals five months of recovery. I think we need to revisit this rule, or have it printed on bar napkins, or maybe a street team selling bumper stickers would help. Anything to help us remember that you can’t get over the last one by getting under the next one.

I don’t care how much you’ve connected – I don’t care how amazing you think someone is. Many people barely know themselves, so how can one possibly be ready to commit to someone else after only knowing him or her for 48 hours? Or a week?

In my mind, a boyfriend or girlfriend is a person that you’ve spent a significant amount of time with; it begins when you realize that you don’t want to spend time with anyone else. There is no one else who feels this good. Then you are clearly ready to be a couple.

Just because you aren’t in a love relationship doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable. Remember you always have love in your life when you find it within yourself. Don’t stop looking for love. But try looking within; it’s an amazing trip. You’ll be thrilled with the person you meet at the end of it: lovable and lovely you.