The power of being out: Authenticity gives you something that can’t be taken away

I used to think of being “out” as just letting people know your sexual orientation. I’ve come to realize it is so much more — it’s owning and gaining power over the perception of who you are.

I am a huge believer in being out. I’m the Lesbian Socialite after all, upfront and honest about some aspects of my life immediately. If someone is truly interested and starts asking more questions, then it reaches a point where I start to analyze why she or he wants to know. If it’s just some guy that I think is hitting on me, I make sure I say I’m a lesbian really quickly and watch where he takes the conversation. In other conversations, I will usually tell a person the name of my column and my website, and then tell them about the kinds of things I write and my passion for them, so they get the idea.

Some people are even more interested after they figure out I’m a lesbian — others are less. No one has ever been impolite or obviously horrified. There are a few people that have either quickly changed the subject or politely exited the conversation entirely. I take no offense. That’s their journey.

Though I’m a proponent of being out, the concept of “outing” is still difficult for me. It’s never okay to tell someone’s story without her or his permission. That’s when someone takes away your potential to gain power and control by being out, and uses it for their own ends by “exposing” you.

My trans friends would tell you that that being out also includes letting people know your status as a trans person. One of them had someone “out” her as trans, a concept that floored me — what business is it of the person asking about someone in that way? If you’re interested in dating, ask someone out and let that person tell you if there’s anything that you should know. Secondly, why would you want to tell someone else’s story in the first place — is it trying to appear “in the know,” or is it actually trying to be mean?

There are other ways another person might try to take over your power of being out. I once had someone who I was already out to observe to me that I talked about my girlfriend a lot. I told her I actually didn’t mention my girlfriend any more than a co-worker we had in common would mention her own husband, but perhaps she noticed it from me more often because I was talking about another woman, and that’s not something she was used to hearing.

That shut her up quickly; I think she realized that I was probably right. It wasn’t a homophobic sentiment that she had — she wasn’t afraid of gay people or openly trying to be hostile — it was just a subconscious double standard. You have to call those things when you encounter them; otherwise, how will people grow?

I understand that this is about me and how openly I want to live my life, and it can be difficult for some, so I would never tell a person that she or he has to handle things the way I do. In reality, being out is more than just having one big conversation with friends and family; I have to continually come out to strangers daily and not everyone is up for that.

But there’s a power with being out that benefits not only the individual, but the community as a whole. What it does for the collective consciousness when pubic figures come out is continue to point out that people you admire for their talent and skill can also be queer. Yet a famous person is still a person and her or his coming out journey is unique — a power that belongs to that person alone. The community only gains from that power when the individual offers it voluntarily. The community loses power when that power is stolen, even if by another LGBT person.

Our stories humanize us; putting a face to the group. It’s not about opening our lives up for scrutiny. It’s about not hiding our lives like there is something wrong. Love yourself, love your life, be out!