The name game: What will we call our civil union partners?

It only took a year, and the dethroning of a speaker of the house bully, but Colorado civil unions are finally here. Hip, hip, hoo-gay!

Now we are faced with that question of the ages, “What are we going to call our civil union spouses?” Never fear, I am queer and I am here with your answers.

In the days when gay meant jolly and carefree, homos shacked up with each other. Spouses were “roommates,” “friends” and “partners.” People talked in hushed tones about those unmarried spinsters down the street who never could find a husband, bless their hearts. But they sure could keep a car running. Or they shopped the antique store run by those business partners who lived above the shop and had the most amazing talent for locating Queen Anne furniture.

Along came the sexual revolution of the ’60s and ’70s and gays were all up in your face introducing to you their “lovers” and “live-in partners.” The political correctness of the ’80s and ’90s had us softening the slang to “significant other” and “long-time companion.”

Gay marriage took the main stage in the ’00s and now people were freely tossing out “spouse,” “husband” and “wife.” And those terms would be perfect for Colorado today, except our state constitution discriminates against us and we still cannot marry each other. Come May 1, we’ll have civil unions. Until the U.S. Supreme Court rules otherwise, it’s the best we can do.

So what DO you call your civil union other half? I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I think I have the perfect solution. But I must warn you; the ladies are not going to like it.

CUM – Yes, allow me to introduce you to my Civil Union Mate. Works great for the guys, but your probably not going to see C.U.M. coming out of many lesbians’ mouths.

Let’s see what we can do for the ladies:

CUB – Civil Union Babe. Could work, but I think bears and daddies have dibs on that one.

CUD – Civil Union Darling. While the ability to lactate is common between the two, the similarities stop there and I don’t think too many women want the image of bovine chewing when they mention who they love.

CUF – Civil Union Friend. While I like the reference to bondage, that girl you’ve been humping is more than just a friend.

CUP – Civil Union Partner. She is my CUP, because it does runneth over. Way too Elizabethan.

This is not going the way I had hoped at all. Perhaps we should just stick to the old standbys of “husband” or “wife.” If we start using those terms, the world will eventually see that for all intent and purpose, we indeed are married, no matter how the law defines it.

Stay tuned for my next column where I will tackle the mess of “How does one get un–civil-unioned and what do we call it?” We have divorce courts, but what will you call it when you and your civil union partner are breaking up? “We are getting uncivilized.” Could work.