The Mysteries of Asexuality
Every coupling or romantic group is inevitably going to have differences in sex drive. But when does that difference become a problem?
Human variation is a beautiful, magnificent trait that has allowed us to grow big brains and big genitals (compared to other primates at least). Sure, you may have a low sex drive, but is that an issue? Let’s review a few scenarios.
Meet Bob and Tom. Bob wants sex every day. Tom begrudgingly agrees to once a month, and although he enjoys the experience, it’s never something he actively seeks out. Both Bob and Tom are satisfied with their sex lives.
Alice and Lana are also having issues in the bedroom. Alice enjoys weekly romps while Lana is more of an every-other-day kind of girl. There are constant fights about their sex life and they may not remain a couple because of it.
Which of these couples have a sexual disorder? Could any of them be considered asexual? Either way, it will definitely be discussed over drinks as soon as they leave the dinner party.
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. Just like there are variations in overall sexuality, there are variations within the asexual spectrum as well. There are those who do not experience sexual attraction, but do enjoy the dating/kissing/cuddling that comes from a romantic relationship. We could describe what have become to be known as “bromances” in this way. You may have that special friend who people are convinced you are dating even though there is no sexual attraction. This idea hit its pinnacle when James Franco published a book of poetry called Straight James/Gay James where he explores his romantic but not sexual attachments to other men (most notably to his friend and fellow actor, Seth Rogen).
In the past, psychologists believed asexuality to be a symptom of some other buried problems. In other words, your sex drive is low because you’re depressed/anxious/paranoid/in love with your mother. Currently, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual in its 5th edition (DSM V), does have a classification that addresses low sex drive as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), characterized by a disinterest in sex. In order for a behavior to be classified as a disorder, however, it must be distressing for the person and/or cause interpersonal problems.
Let’s return to our first two couples. If Bob and Tom aren’t experiencing any relationship issues due to their difference in sex drive, and it’s not distressing for Tom that he appears to be asexual, then there is no disorder. However, since Lana and Alice are experiencing relationship problems, this diagnosis could be applied. Even though their differences are much less extreme than the guys’, that relatively smaller difference is still causing dysfunction.
That means, if someone lacks sexual attraction to others, isn’t bothered by it, and it doesn’t cause problems with the people in their life, they do not have HSDD.
This leads us to the idea that asexuality is a sexual orientation and not a disorder. Although some studies have shown a correlation between anxiety and asexuality, we know that all minority groups face a similar pattern. Asexuals have been vilified in many of the same ways that homosexuals have been in the past. Organizations such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (Asexuality.org) and blogs like Asexual Explorations (AsexualExplorations.net) are helping to change that view. As members of the Queer community, we should be leaders in this movement. Those with sexual orientations that differ from the accepted norm are our brothers and sisters. There should be room under our umbrella for anyone needing shelter from the cultural storm.
Coming Up Next Month: Does this acceptance include people who have sex with animals? A surprising discussion of the morality of bestiality.
