The more the merrier, but remember to set boundaries

Many of us grow up with the idea that we should find our one-and-only soul mate. We think that there is one person out there who ultimately makes us happy, and are taught to establish a relationship with only him or her.

In the hetero world in particular, many people feel that monogamy is the only socially acceptable option. Of course there are swingers and people involved in polyamorous relationships who break that mold, but they are definitely the minority. Many heterosexual people have opened up to me about their envy of how gay men seem to be able to hook up and have sex with many people, even while they are in a relationship.

I’ve talked to many heterosexual people about their envy of how gay men can hook up and have great sex with many people, while maintaining a relationship. Many of us queers feel that we are not bound by social expectations of conventional dating, relationships or sex.

There is a long-standing question out there, “Can gay men be monogamous?” I think that a more accurate question is, “Can anyone be monogamous?” My response: “Hell, yeah!” Anybody can agree to have any kind of relationship they want, including ones with tons of sex, no sex, vanilla sex, kinky sex or loud-screaming-wake-up-the-neighbors-in-the-middle-of-the-night sex.

Of course it’s normal to feel a desire to be naked with a variety of people, to know how they smell when they get musky from passionate sex, to lick crevices of their bodies, to know what sounds they make when they are in ecstasy … are you hot yet?

There are many ways to have a healthy and hot non-monogamous relationship that provides opportunities for both partners to enjoy naked time with people other than their partner. Communication and honesty are crucial. If those are lacking, a one-sided open relationship could bite you in the ass.

You can set up whatever rules and boundaries you want. Some couples decide that the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy that was so effective in our military will be beneficial to them in their relationship. Some get off on sharing the stories to “turn the other one on” or get ideas on new techniques.

Maybe hooking up is only OK if you are out of town or if it is with someone that is not in your circle of friends. You can also decide to set up a “date night” where both of you would be available to hook up with other people, socially or sexually. These rules can incorporate what activities are appropriate to do or not do. Maybe, only oral sex could only be allowed  or condoms need to be used 100 percent of the time when playing around.

You can play together with another person or couples. This allows for three-ways, orgies, sex parties or trips to the bathhouse.
If you are already in a monogamous relationship and want to add this element, figure out why first. If you’re bored (sexually or otherwise) in your relationship, you may want to work on those issues together first, instead of trying to put a sexy Band-Aid on it. It may only serve to provide a temporary and potentially harmful pseudo fix to your relationship. Rarely can you fill a void by getting your void filled by someone else.

There are definitely tons of reasons not to pursue these types of relationships. Many people may fantasize about having sex with someone outside of the relationship, but those fantasies can be crushed by fear that their partner will find someone hotter or more compatible … maybe you are scared about finding the same things as well. These types of fears can lead into behaviors like cheating or developing resentment towards each other. Also, be aware of jealous feelings that may develop by you or your partner.

Again, the key to any successful relationship is open and honest communication. Without this, things can fall apart. This can be really difficult, especially when your desires may cause your partner to become angry or bring up insecurities.

Open relationships are just as valid and have just as much potential to work as monogamous relationships. There are infinite types of non-monogamous relationships out there. You have the opportunity to find the one that works for you.