The More, The Merrier: Approaching Group Sex from Within

The queer community has always been a space of safety, exploration, and excitement. We love to dabble, to expand ourselves, and to have fun in the proverbial bedroom. Some of us even enjoy bringing several guests into said bedroom at once.

But for the nervous amongst us, approaching non-monogamy in the bedroom can be intimidating. Researching how to prepare and what to bring will help, but listicles can only calm the nerves so much. How does one who’s curious but inexperienced emotionally prepare for group sex?

Luckily for us, OFM columnist and LGBTQ+ therapist Jesse Proia gives advice for keeping true to oneself when getting freaky with four or more. 

What’s First?

Of course, bring condoms. Safe sex is number one. However, safe sex does not just mean being physically prepped. You have to be emotionally prepped as well. 

Do not feel like you ought to engage in group sex. Your sexuality and your sexual exploration are always your own, and you have no obligation to fulfill any perceived expectation. Consent from within is just as important as consent from without.

“Especially within queer spaces, there’s a lot of expectations to have diversity within your sexual experience and a lot of pressure to break out of the norm,” Proia says. “I always like to help people explore, Is it something that I want, or is it something I(feel I) should do to prove my identity?”

Assuming you’ve made it this far, you know you want to have group sex. But asking yourself why you want to do it can get you in tune with what you are searching for in these encounters. 

“I always like to think of it as a working inward out,” Proia continues, “and starting from the very basics. That usually starts with asking yourself, What is the intrinsic desire? What is the draw, the attraction to it? And is it coming from a place of want?”

What about group sex is appealing? Is it the subversive nature? The people involved? Is it a way to release anxiety? Or is it just for plain, simple, sexy fun? Realizing what you want out of the experience will give you the confidence to pursue your desires. You don’t need to know the answers immediately, but you want to be able to connect to yourself.

Finding Partners

Once you connect with yourself, it’s time to connect with others. So how do you find people to match your freak?

“If it’s a topic that is not easily approached interpersonally; that’s where apps like Feeld are really great,” Proia says. Feeld is a dating app for open-minded individuals where you can link with up to five people in one chat. It also provides extensive LGBTQ+ label options to find the people you want to meet with. 

“Also searching for different resources outside of your social network. Even just Google searching for a dungeon or a play space, they’re there and you can find them quite easily.”

These spaces can be quite intimidating, with their unfamiliar environments and dynamics. New experiences are already emotionally overwhelming. Now, add to that the tension, release, and vulnerability sex often requires. However, just because it’s nerve-wracking doesn’t mean it’s off the table.

Proia calls it growing your edge. It is where exploration meets your comfort zone. “It’s that space where it’s an approachable level of anxiety that feels growth promoting without pushing yourself too far and potentially having a traumatizing experience.”

Types of Group Sex

To meet that edge, you do not have to immediately jump into a sex dungeon (unless you want to, of course). Group sex does not just mean a classic orgy. In the age of the internet, you have innumerable options to choose from.

If meeting in person isn’t your thing, or you’re still growing your edge, try sexting or video sex. “(Sex) could be working with photo share or video sex, or group video sex,” Proia says. “What feels approachable and within your means?” It is all about what feels safe and sane for you.

If you do all meet in person, you don’t have to be all on top of each other. “Set limits of where you want to be touched, if at all,” Proia says. Mutual masturbation or voyeurism are completely valid forms of group sex, even if you are not participating in the traditional sense. It only matters that all parties feel comfortable.

When You’re in It

As with all relationships, whether they last an hour or a lifetime, communication is key. Whatever type of group sex you engage with, it is important to lay out your boundaries and practice continued consent.

“Lay out values and boundaries,” Proia says. “What is on the table, what is not.” Communicating expectations and fears will get you far. It allows you to not only show your enthusiasm, but also what may be a no-go for you. It can even demonstrate to your partners what reassurance you might need in case there is something your nervous about in the experience.

And how will you and your partners maneuver the values and boundaries of everyone within the experience? 

“There is this concept about radical consent,” Proia says. “It’s the idea of always checking in. Consent is an ongoing and active process. It’s a dialogue in sex. When you practice it, sex gets really good. Then you communicate openly throughout it, and it allows you to keep that safe space.”

When it comes to group sex, so long as you and your partners are excited and have a dialogue, there is no wrong way to do it. With all the awkwardness sex can bring, it also brings joy, vulnerability, and release. And while there is more to say about this topic, as long as you take care of yourself, you have the basics down.

Jesse Proia is a LGBTQ+ specialist therapist. You can read his OFM column series, Hello Homo, on the website, and you can follow him on Instagram @holistic.homosexual and on TikTok @holistichomosexual.