The last thing you may ever read

The world is going to end in 16 days, or less, depending on when you’re reading this. Well, not really end, per se. The Mayan calendar will simply run out of days on December 21. It could be, as some believe, a prediction of the end of the world. Or it could be the Mayans lacked a bigger piece of stone on which to carve their calendar. Bless their sacrificial hearts.

Now if it were just the Mayan calendar coming to an abrupt halt, I would not be too concerned. But there are other signs.

Dick Clark died this year. He has hosted the heralding of each new year in Times Square since, well, since time began. Dick Clark was not around when Eve ate that apple, but I am pretty sure he was hosting American Bandstand the next garden over. As far as I am concerned, no Dick Clark means no New Year’s Eve 2013.

According to the website, Countdown to Armageddon, traffic accidents are a sure sign of the end of times. Well, that’s if you’re in one, I guess. No more world for you. If Lindsey Lohan is not a sign of the end of the world, her numerous car wrecks surely are.

All of these herald the “second coming” itself – not of Jesus – but of Cher. Yes, Cher, who has performed her Farewell Tour twice, is coming back for another. Mr. Waste calls it the “Resurrection Tour.” I can see the stage now. A large tomb surrounded by hunky Roman soldiers/dancers rolls back the rock. Out steps Cher, wrapped in a Bob Mackie crystal studded shroud. She starts singing, “Can You Believe?” Oh, I believe, Cher, I believe!

And speaking of Bob Mackie. I was flipping through cable channels and just about fell off my designer leather sofa. There, on the QVC home-shopping network, was Bob Mackie selling clothes. The world surely is headed for final destruction when Bob Mackie is hawking Pull-On Ponte Pants made in China on the QVC. (Mr. Waste was sorely disappointed when I pointed out to him that Bob Mackie probably would not be selling any Cher-like gowns or Swarovski-covered bustieres).

Not too long ago the world population hit 6,666,666,666. That’s about six sixes too many. And we all know what 666 means. It’s the sign of the beast. Yes, Chris Brown. Rihanna has put herself back into the arms of the monster that beat her. Surely disaster cannot be far behind. Get thee to a women’s shelter already, Rihanna.

But the biggest sign the world has met its final demise is that “Celebrity Apprentice” has been renewed for another season. Who the hell keeps watching that show, anyway? The higher Donald Trump’s riches, the lower his IQ. When he’s not ranting about Obama’s birth certificate, he’s beating up Rosie O’Donnell. Donald’s hair is an official sign of the apocalypse – the Plague of the Bad Comb-Over.

So your time is running out. Your days are numbered. And you just wasted 10 minutes of it reading my column. What were you thinking?