The intrigue of three

They say three’s a charm. And I have the triple nipples to prove it. But when it comes to the bedroom, the dream of a ménage a trois becomes a Lucky Pierre nightmare for so many. I just don’t get it.

I had dinner recently with a friend named Michael who said he’s had very bad experiences with three-ways. Now, if you had invited a third under your covers and she or he ran out from under the sheets with your boyfriend or girlfriend, I could understand your being a little fun-shy. Not me.

Before I was happily married to Mr. Waste, I jumped at any opportunity to be the bacon in a BLT sandwich. Oink, oink. The big bad wolf was huffing and puffing because he was peeking in on those three little pigs.

When you’re the third, it’s all about you. Usually the couple is looking for something new to spice things up and you are the star anise of the show. Who doesn’t love being the center of attention when that attention is coming from all sides? Talk about your pearl necklaces.

Early on in our relationship, the thought of a three-way was far from our minds. When you are newly in love, it’s all about just the two of you. And that’s how it should be. But as time goes on, and you develop a long and healthy relationship, the thought of sharing your sexual fun enters your fantasies.

Most of our three-ways have happened while we were out of town on vacation. You are in a new place, and you’ll never be seeing these people again. You’re relaxed and ready to let your hair (and pants) down. One thing leads to another – and another – until there are three of you playing mattress twister.

A healthy threesome does require some good ground rules. It’s most important for the couple. They’ll be the ones fighting long after the third has been subtracted from the equation. Over the years, Mr. Waste and I have developed three rules when casting for an extra member.

Both of us must be equally attracted to the third person. If one of us is into the newbie and the other is not, one person is not going to have a good time. And that is not a good thing. The reverse also needs to be true. Numero tres must also be into both of us.

The third musketeer must have a healthy attitude about sex as playtime. Emotions should be checked at the door. We are not dating you. We’re just playing swords. En garde!

Everyone must play safe. It’s a ménage a trios, not dia de los muertos.

So if you are a couple, or a single person looking to be the creamy center frosting, perhaps these rules will help you have your cake, and eat it too.