The Fall and Rise of Maria Bello
MARIA BELLO MAY BE KNOWN for her roles in films such as Coyote Ugly and The Cooler, but she garnered considerable attention for her essay Coming Out as a Modern Family, when it appeared in the Modern Love column in The New York Times. In the essay, Bello explained how she told her son Jack about her relationship with Clare, her best friend. His response: “Whatever, Mom: Love is love.” Bello uses this phrase as the title of her new book, a collection of essays that question labels and identity. In a recent phone interview, Bello spoke about her life, work, and family.
How did the success of your story about being “whatever” change your life and visibility?
After the New York Times article, I had so many people saying, “I’m a whatever” or “I have a whatever family.” It was a duty or responsibility; I think people want to talk about labels to see if they empower us or disempower us. “Whatever” identifies as anything. There’s a lack of restriction. I see that with a lot of traditional labels, which don’t fit a lot of people anymore, especially in terms of family and partnership.
You write rather painfully, and quite candidly, about the struggles you’ve experienced over the course of your life. What coping skills have you found effective?
There aren’t many people who go through life without trouble. I turn my pain into compassion, and in order to do that, I had to learn to accept what happened, that I am in the right place, doing the right thing.
What can you say about the characters you play? Your role in Downloading Nancy affected me deeply. Are the characters you play an extension of your life?
Downloading Nancy was one of my favorite films. I do believe all the parts I play are some other person. There are hundreds of crevices of pain and joy from my past. I draw on the pieces that character possesses. For Nancy, I’m sure I drew from my suicidal experiences and from my bipolar disorder. I didn’t create her; I was her at some point.
You often mention shame. How do you feel you’ve been able to transform your shame into pride?
Let’s go back to the old adage that the truth will set you free. Not everyone is going to like you — including, perhaps, your own mother and father. But if you get to your true essence, you can change the people around you, and change policy. The opposite of shame is pride, and by owning the labels that empower us and getting rid of the labels that disempower us, we create pride. The only thing I can say to folks is, “Be your own self.” Everything positive comes from that. The basis is love. I wanted to belong to a club based on love.
You look for signs throughout the book. Why do you place such emphasis on fate, or is it faith?
That’s not something I learned from growing up Catholic. I learned it from my mother, who taught us about signs. Angels were looking out for us. If you look for signs, they will be there. Turn superstition into super. I talk about being “enough” in the book. I realize my only soulmate and partner is myself — and God whoever you call God, even if you don’t believe in God. The universe is so much bigger than we are.
You write about Haiti as your mistress. What is it about that country that appeals to you?
As soon as my foot hit the ground in Haiti, I knew this was my place. I belonged there in some way. And Haiti knew I belonged to her. And the friends I met before the quake — whoever and whatever we were, we experienced something together that no one will understand. We saw a lot of pain, seeing friends suffer, and we had joy. There is a life force in Haiti that is like no other I know. I would encourage people to go and see the beauty of the island. Most people think of it as poverty and ghettos, but there is celebration in the streets everyday — music, dancing colors, and art.
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