The Costume Room
“I want you to make love to me like you would a woman,” said Julian, looking up at Dolly with shy expectation from the pile of multi-colored pillows on their living room floor.
They’d been lovers for one year, but they’d known each other since they were children. They’d played together like siblings—each other’s only friend during the Dark Years in their hometown, when their families got caught up in a religious cult in the Midwestern woods. The leaders of the cult required everyone to dress traditionally by gender—boys and men in button-downs and slacks, and girls and women in floor-length skirts and dresses. The leaders regulated the community’s hairstyles, as well as their underwear and shoes, and if you strayed from the dress code, you were forced to endure a grim night in the horse stables, smelling of horse feed and manure for a week.
When Dolly was 8 and Julian was 10, they came across a shed in the woods when they were running from the leaders who tried to whip them for giggling during prayer. The two children could never keep quiet when they were together, and thus were often seated at opposite ends of their classroom by their teachers. They learned to develop their own secret language so they could communicate from across the room. They’d blink once for yes and twice for no and tap their fingers in various patterns to plan where to meet after school.
The shed in the woods was freshly painted and big enough to fit a car. It was the color of eggplant, with gold embellishments, and it reminded the children of some faraway land they’d only read about in story books. Dolly spotted a small window in the back of the shed that she could reach by standing on her toes. Julian lifted her up and she climbed through and let him in the door, where inside they found themselves surrounded by colors and jewelry and fabrics they’d only ever seen in their dreams.
Suits and gowns and shoes and hats of every style lined the walls and divided up the room on metal racks. Speechless with awe and wonder, the children ran their hands over the finery, and with a look of knowing between them, they stripped off their community clothes and slipped into as many outfits as they could until the sun began to set.
It didn’t matter that the clothes were too big for them. It was enough to feel the beaded tulle and stitched satin against their suntanned skin. With this newfound freedom to dress however they pleased, they found themselves drawn to the clothes they could never wear in public. Julian selected sparkly dresses he imagined a princess might wear, twirling in front of an ornate mirror until he collapsed into happy laughter, while Dolly tried on a top hat, vest, and slacks that made her feel powerful enough to put the community leaders in time out.
Fifteen years later, this remained their favorite memory, and they often returned to the costume room together in their shared fantasies. They’d never been able to find the shed again, though they’d gone looking for it as often as they could sneak away from the community.
When Dolly was 12 and Julian 14, they escaped the cult together in the middle of the night. They entered the world as a team, then were separated when Dolly got work on the road as a dancer. Julian worked in warehouses and eventually became a teacher.
One year ago today, fate brought them back together.
In the middle of a crowded city bookstore, they’d found each other in the history section while reaching for the same book—Crossdressing in Context. Without words, they paused and looked wide-eyed at one another, Dolly lifting her hand to touch Julian’s startled face. There was a light stubble there she’d never seen before. Julian closed his eyes in response to the softness of her fingertips and ran his hands through Dolly’s wavy hair with the affection and familiarity of a long-lost lover. They embraced in front of the bookcase and have since spent every day by the other’s side.
When catching up on their Lost Years, they discovered just how much the costume room had impacted their identities. Secrets kept hidden for years poured forth in each other’s presence, opening them up to a freedom of expression they hadn’t known since they were children.
In the comfort of the small apartment they rented after their reunion (and painted purple and gold), Julian had confided something in Dolly that he’d never said out loud. “I like to wear lacy panties and thigh-high tights underneath my work clothes,” he said. “And sometimes a brassiere. They make me feel safe and self-assured when I’m out in the world.”
Dolly ran a hand along his thigh, then traced it along her own and said, “I like to dress up in tailored suits when I’m at home. And to wear cologne and boxers and a mustache. It makes me feel in control when life is unreliable.”
After these confessions, Dolly and Julian dressed for each other in their favored clothes, dancing wildly in the living room, shaking out their shame and shivering loose their insecurity, as they reclaimed the lost autonomy of their youth. Dolly found the strength to explore her most authentic self in Julian’s presence, and Julian saw himself as whole when with Dolly.
On this one-year anniversary of their reunion, Dolly knew just the thing to offer Julian on his path of personal exploration: a vibrating p-spot stimulator.
With Julian leaning back against the pillows—his favorite dress around his hips—Dolly knelt down on her trousered knees between his legs and loosened his muscles with a lubricated massage. Julian sighed into the satin fabric as his entire body gave way to gratification. A moan escaped his throat when Dolly drizzled lubricant on the vibrator and then slowly, slowly penetrated him until it was all the way inside.
The act of penetrating Julian filled Dolly with a sense of masculine control that she’d only ever felt while wearing menswear. Her nervous system sparkled with awe and confidence. What a gift to bring her lover pleasure in such a way—to help fulfill his wish to more fully embrace his femininity, that he may feel safe and self-assured in the hands of his most trusted friend.
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