Tales of a Fierce, Fat, Fit, Femme: Power Outside the Binary

When I first started the column, I worried about claiming certain parts of my identity so boldly in the title, an issue I’ve rheuminated on before in the column itself. At what weight is it OK, or not OK, to reclaim “fat” as my descriptor? And how much does the column need to focus on fitness? What if I’m not “fierce” enough, or that’s not conveyed in the column?

But the one thing I never thought I’d have any problem with is the term “femme.” I’ve been comfortably identifying as a cis woman for 31 years now, and I’m a fan of using the term femme and she/her pronouns. So, that was never something I questioned when it came to the terms I was claiming in this column. But now I’m not so sure. 

While I’m certainly femme, and I’ve channeled a lot of femme energy in my life, I’ve always had a pretty strong masc side as well. I was a “tomboy” and hung out with boys when I was a kid, even though I still had a lot of more femme interests as well. And many of my interests and tastes are considered more masc, like metal, cannabis, horror, “alternative” culture, video games, science fiction. 

Plus, I was raised by my dad, and I’ve never been a fan of dresses, floral prints, skirts, pink clothes, etc. I feel the most euphoric in a button down or a crop top and jeans, or a band shirt and leggings. I prefer to mix my feminine energy with my masculine.

But in my mind, I’ve never been someone who has struggled with my gender identity. Initially, I saw that as something that would only apply if I realized I was not a woman, but a man, and started taking gender-affirming steps to confirm that, which is definitely not the case. So, case closed right? 

Wrong. I’ve been inspired by some gorgeous queer folks in Denver who basically just say fuck gender. They go by multiple pronouns, or any pronouns, or the pronouns can be fluid and change. They dress however they feel, be that femme or masc or some fun, queer, gender-bending mixture of those looks. 

And they aren’t all a size 0, no boobs, no curves. I used to think androgynous gender was something I couldn’t exude, being that I’m curvy with big boobs. I look femme to the world, whether I feel femme or not. But seeing folks with bodies similar to mine rocking androgynous looks and embracing their nonbinary genders/identities has completely changed the way I see myself. 

So, currently, I still use she/her pronouns, though I’m fine with they/them, and I still identify as a woman. But I’m realizing more and more, in this post-gender society we are moving toward, that matters less and less. If I want to have a more queer haircut and play with gender more in my look—which I do—that’s the awesome thing about our community. No one can stop me, and the wonderful people I’ve met along the way will celebrate my euphoria. 

So, whether or not I become less fat, stay fit, always channel being fierce, or even stay femme, I am valid. Our constantly changing, evolving, and shifting identities are valid.