Tales of a Fierce, Fat, Fit, Femme: Deserving of Beauty

I have a weird relationship with the concept of being sexy. 

This, I’m sure, is not a unique or groundbreaking thought for a queer, femme person. We as a people are often sexualized without our consent, not sexualized when we want to be, and sent confusing messages about sex, gender, and value. But as a person of size, that relationship feels even more confusing. 

For much of my life, I was sexualized without my consent and without understanding why. I got breasts and curves before I caught up mentally to my physical development, and I was shamed by my adults at school and in my family for showing off too much skin and going through puberty early. 

Then, it became clear once I was sexually mature that being hot, being sexy, was for skinny, fit, thin, straight, white, conventionally attractive folks. Those outside of that category could be sexualized by fetishists, but that was about it. 

So, it’s not surprising that for much of my life, I haven’t felt too confident about being sexy. 

Plus-sized women can often easily get sexual attention, but not long-term love or interest. 

We are sexy and hot, sure, but not beautiful or pretty. And for a femme-identified person, or any person, for that matter, that can be heartbreaking. 

It’s also easy to cross over from the casually sexy—bathing suit, shorts and a tank top, summer casual—to the pornographic, showing too much skin and “drawing unwanted attention.” While some people may get a certain euphoria and self-assurance from showing a lot of skin in adults-only spaces like OnlyFans, I am not one of them. And those who are sex workers and more openly sexual often get slut shamed much more harshly than their thin counterparts. 

I’d be lying if I said I had worked through all of this and felt 100 percent sexy, all the time. I still struggle with body dysmorphia, a critical self-eye that whispers insults, and the pressures of society constantly sending messages that any bigger than tiny is too big.

But now that I’ve really worked on loving myself, and reminding myself over and over that the feelings I have and the self-images issue I suffer from, are natural symptoms of the society we live in. I may not feel confident constantly, but one thing is for sure: in the summer, I’m going to wear bathing suits to the pool and shorts and tank tops when it’s 90 degrees. 

I’m not going to let society, or my own insecurities, shut down my wet- hot summer.