Take time to exhale

As the “Gal on the Move,” I have a lot of things on my social calendar (Shameless plug: check out my newest blog for Out Front, “Things to Do in Denver When You’re Gay”). I really enjoy spending time with my community. Parties, art openings, fashion shows, burlesque, drag shows, movie premieres, live music; you name it, we’re doing it. Denver is a hot and happening place if you are looking for things to do. And I love doing it all.

In fact, my biggest challenge is that I have a tendency to say yes to everything I’m invited to, to the detriment of a realistic schedule. I want to support everyone. I overextend myself.

I’m usually not the first to notice it – people around me are. “You look tired. Are you OK?” Well I thought I was until you pointed that out. “You don’t seem your usual bubbly self, is there anything I can do?” Yes, let me take a break! I know it seems as though I am always up and on, but I do have quiet moments where I am enjoying myself, quietly in the corner. Did you come to this event to have a good time? Good, me too!

Sometimes a good time is sitting in the back loving you all from my corner perch, crossed arms and a hearty harrumph.

I once asked my ex why it seems I can never get an off-day. She said everyone else relies on me being in a good mood, in case they need cheering up. I resented this statement for years. I was incensed that I was some how supposed to always be on in case someone needed me to help them feel better. What about me? When does someone help me feel better? [Yep, whining.]

Later a friend said, “You don’t have to be on all of the time. You can say no and take time for yourself.” Oh, so what you’re saying is, I don’t always have to be at the party. I don’t always have to show up to the event. I don’t always have to be on. Who knew?

When I am out and about, I am there to bring energy and support to my community. If I show up when I’d really rather be at home on the couch, I need to rally, or it’s my own fault when people notice and show their concern. So, unless I’m there looking for sympathy and support, I can’t blame people when they’re striving to be supportive.

That’s the part I was forgetting. When people noticed that my energy was low, they weren’t accusing me, but showing concern. Rather than being defensive I can show gratitude for care and concern. You know it’s bad when you’re at the grocery store being crabby and a stranger is trying to help you find joy in food.

Wait, I’m the one always posting pictures of my perfect biscuits and inviting people over for impromptu dinners because I made a great pot of soup. I am half way through a cookbook on the joy of eating. You’re trying to help me find joy? Now I know I need an attitude adjustment.

So I left with one of my oldest friends in tow, and away to the mountains we ran. Meditating at sunrise, staring out at the mountains, watching the sun set over a trout stream, hawks soaring overhead, I finally exhaled. I found my breathing returning to normal. I felt my shoulders drop, the frown leave my forehead and a natural smile began to play at the edges of my lips. And my light began to shine brightly. Oh yeah, I remember what this feels like. I found myself again.

This is what came to me. I have to give myself permission to say no. I am the only one that knows when I need to recharge my batteries. If I go out, I only have myself to blame when my energy is low and people notice. I don’t go out without doing something to my hair. I need to make sure I don’t go out without doing something to my attitude.

In giving to others you must also remember to take care of yourself. I cannot bring energy to an event without having energy myself. I can only give light when I have filled myself with light. I can give love when I have loved myself.

Remember Lovelies, be kind to yourself, pay attention to what your heart and body are telling you. That inner voice saying, “I don’t want to go” is you. Listen, you’ll be glad you did.