Stuff Gay People Like: Tanning

A gay man is dedicated to looking healthy. It is one of those “positive stereotypes” and it is why straight girls say that all the most desirable men are gay. To achieve a healthy appearance, he will eat the right amounts, fast when needed, work out frequently and hydrate away his hangovers. But having healthy insides is only half the battle; the other half is to feign good health in a way that actually causes him to age prematurely and risk cancer: he will lie out in the sun all summer, and spend the fall and winter in tanning salons.

As much as the health gurus insist that UV damage is real and causes skin discoloration and wrinkles over time, we must acknowledge that, for here and now, there is a fine line between looking pale and looking sickly. Better to age quickly than to look bad when young! A little bronze makes the muscles look more defined, and nowadays, it makes you look wealthier too. A white gay man’s goal is to look as dark-skinned as possible while still being clearly white, brought on for a $99.99-per-month membership at a fancy tanning salon that gives the bearer a perennial, delightful orange glow. Not brown, mind you; he doesn’t want you to think he’s Arabic or Mexican. The white gay man wants to maintain a firm sense of WASPness. The desire is to be orange.

Don’t be surprised if you see your young blonde-haired gay friend pop in with an excruciating-looking, peeling sunburn in late October. “Have you been on vacation to somewhere tropical?” is what you initially want to ask, but you know you just saw him yesterday. The truth is that he just got his paycheck and wanted to speed the process of bronzing for Saturday’s party by visiting 3 different tanning salons in one day – he had to go to multiple salons since each one individually has a 1-visit-every-three-days limit. The reason they have this rule is that too much tanning fucks you up, and now that is exactly what he is. Though in truth he looks horrible, and is clearly in pain, he is expecting to be told how sexy and masculine he looks with raccoon-eyes and color resembling face paint.

“You’re hardly even a ginger anymore, now that the red tint in your hair is surpassed by your crimson skin!” you tell him. He beams with confidence.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

@StuffGayPplLike/#SGPL on Twitter.