Stuff Gay People Like: Giving compliments

We speculate that homophobia began 10,000 years ago in a Stone Age village – when the men got sick of the women wishing their boyfriends acted more like gay guys. “Today Ugo was saying my deerskin dresses always look freshly-skinned” one female would announce to her mate each evening. Another would tell her companion that “Guth and his boyfriend say that they adore my mammoth blood gravy – how come you’re always just saying it needs more blood?”

The final straw was when the chieftess got into a heated argument with her companion; “you take it so personally that I kill more sabertooths than you. You know, Ugo thinks it’s great that I kill more sabertooths than anyone else in the village; you should really learn from Ugo and be happy for me.” That night the heterosexual males met to plan a revolt and change the social order. In the morning they banished Ugo and Guth and all homosexuals from the tribe, declared that “hunting” and “gathering” would now be assigned by gender, and added a bunch of anti-gay stuff into the Old Testament, which at that time was called “Testament” and still in draft form.

And that is how life continued until 1980. Now that things are changing once again, urban straight people are returning to the idea that gay people are gentlemanly and tolerant.

The reason gay people are such good friends with fat girls, potheads and neurotic hipsters is they they realize that they have enough detractors already and learn to make friends in spite of pointless social expectations. Gay men do not care what your popularity was in high school. They don’t judge women on their looks, their figure or on being “proper;” in fact they prefer their female friends to have some rough edges. They don’t judge men on physical strength or toughness; they don’t care if he “commands respect” in a room full of businessmen or has a beautiful spouse.

Part of it is necessity, but part of it is also insight: gay people remember what it was like to be unpopular. So they are not too critical of anybody, except each other.

We are well aware that Americans like their minorities sweet and optimistic and oblivious to prejudice against them. Be this and Americans may reward you with marginal success, but it is immensely difficult to become un-aware of something that you know affects you personally; it’s like being under an “observation” at work by a boss you hate and who tells you “just pretend I’m not even here.” One way to vent this frustration is to try your best to conceal your annoyance at people the best you can, and chuck out the occasional friendly compliment to cover whatever animosity gets through.

So gay people will always be praising your hair or how sharp you look today and they are happy to point out your knowledge or intelligence. These are all genuine observations about the person they’re directed towards. But gay people will also bury cutting remarks in pleasantries; they tell the rude cashier “so sorry you must be having a bad day,” or their co-worker “you’re suggestions are always so novel.” Gay people have a special fondness for sarcasm, so are excellent at these kinds of backhanded comments.

This is, of course, tightly related to the concept of cool professionalism. The political operative who hears a rant that marriage is for procreation only says “that’s an interesting idea about limiting marriage to fertile couples of child-bearing age; I don’t think it would be too popular right now but maybe someday a movement will begin.” The raving bigot who complains to the gay manager about all the minorities who work in the store will hear: “wow you’re certainly the first one to provide that thought – but you actually want to talk to Ubaldo since he’s the boss.” This serves two purposes, by making the gay person feel superior to these assholes and also helping him avoid being fired for going off on someone.

Many gay people are terrified of praising straight guys on things like their looks, because, frankly, in some places it will get you run out of town. But those with the guts to do it have the most fun of all. Rest assured, whatever kind of feeling it gives him is exactly the one he deserves.

That’s actually true for everybody; there’s nothing more satisfactory than enraging an irritable person with praise and positiveness. Observers will take your side, and it stops you from burning a bridge you don’t have to burn in case you misread and he or she actually likes you. In any case, gay people know as much as anyone, that the world was never harmed by a little more love.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column. Visit the Facebook Page.