Stuff Gay People Like: Fancy Groceries

Somewhere between a health freak and a trainwreck is the ordinary person, following a rule of moderation. Eat five servings of fruits and vegetables each day, have an occasional beer with dinner, sleep at least seven hours a night, jog twice a week, take a multivitamin.

Another way to find that happy medium is to balance out extremes. Life’s more fun that way. So gay guys – always reaching for the stars – embrace it.
Banish trans fats from your diet; that makes up for the tanning and cigarettes. Drink eight glasses of water … when hung over. Pump iron five days a week; get hammered the other two. (Oh, who are we kidding. Nothing beats getting loopy at a gay bar right after the gym, when post-workout fatigue lowers your alcohol tolerance).

Stay out drinking till the crack of dawn on a work night, but take six kinds of multivitamins, an antioxidant booster, use a water filter and stock cabinets with pro-biotic pills and powdered protein supplements. Just don’t get your hopes up about those useless grow-your-penis supplements; that’s 27 bucks completely wasted.

We don’t know if those “health” decisions really make up for the bad things we do to ourselves, and we don’t want to.

And so, with such a zeal for everything, gay men aren’t going to settle for some ordinary groceries; excuse me but chips and canned queso dip? No. It’s going to be pita crisps with melted low-fat organic cheddar, sprinkled with chopped green onions and uncooked jalapeño pepper slices, served on a white rectangular plate with a sprig of parsley as we watch the game.

We’re not buying it unless it’s fresh, organic and $16 per pound.

There are three distinct sections in your gayborhood Whole Foods. First, the aisles with everyday things like milk, fresh veggies, whole-wheat bread and cage-free grade-A eggs. Second, the aisles for monthly buys like shaving cream, deodorants, mouthwash and additive-free shampoo. Third, the aisles where everybody grabs their iPhones and checks Grindr.

It’s important for a gay man’s family to realize that gay guys just aren’t fans of traditional meals.

Excuse me but did you say traditional? The image that pops into our minds is loading the wife and kids into the SUV and driving them to church on Christmas morning, where a preacher rails against the ones who only show up for service once a year.

This year, let’s bring homemade sushi and ginger chicken quinoa with glazed vegetables to Christmas.

Roll your eyes all you want, mom and dad, but first tell me how strong you like your wasabi.

Is all this stuff just stereotyping? Well … the stereotype is that gay men eat nothing but hotdogs, bratwursts, bananas, cucumbers and carrots. (Notice the pattern?)

And yes, that one is bogus. Hot dogs? Do you realize what’s in those processed, fatty, chemically-loaded things? If a gay guy’s ever going to put something that icky in his mouth, it better have taken a shower first.

On the other hand, enhanced health-consciousness among gay men is real. College years may be spent on stale pizza, beer and Ramen just like any other young American male – but once the metabolism slows, this “aging” shit just won’t do. We’ve learned to skip that phase with health foods, and gay men rounding 50 usually have the pecs to prove it.

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