Stroke–o–vision and the technology of the future

When I was a kid, we looked forward to a future when we’d all have Dick Tracy video watches strapped to our wrists. As much as we envision what the world will be like in the future, we seem to miss the mark by more than a few degrees.

Video watches never really came to be. Though the watch is a barometer of time, the future was instead heralded by that clunky rectangular device called the cellphone.

The phone went from a common household appliance to one of the most powerful pieces of technology that you can slide into your pocket. Our phones let us communicate thoughts, dreams, words, music, dance and even body parts. We check ourselves in to longitudes and latitudes all over the world. Our phones talk to satellites, can control the lights in our house, fly drones and sext like nobody’s business. They transmit two of our most powerful senses, sight and sound.

Reaching out and touching someone had only been an empty AT&T slogan to promote long distance calling – until now. Thanks to the miracle of microchips, the sense of touch is now coming to a pair of underwear near you. Durex, the company that prevented more unwanted athletes by distributing over 150,000 free condoms to 10,000 athletes at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, is back with a new twist on technology – Fundawear. Terrible name. Great idea.

With a pair of touch actuator activated undies and an iPhone app, you can now stimulate a hottie thousands of miles away. The underwear has built–in battery–powered sensors that simulate touch to stimulate much. iPhone screen swiping leads to underwear cleanup wiping. You’ll never want to get off the phone, because you’ll be getting off while you’re still on it.

Pair Fundawear with a Skype session and you have the makings of some hot Internet foreplay and then some. Why limit the technology to just online fun? Have your boyfriend or girlfriend slip into a pair of Fundawear and head to work. Then use your phone to fire up the app at random throughout the day. Won’t he or she be surprised when his or her underwear starts stroking in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation to the board of directors?

And why limit this to just a pair of panties? You’re still not quite naked. How about a lovely pair of pasties for the ladies? Every time your girlfriend tickles her phone, your nipples take the call. Or how about a pulsating cock ring that can stroke from afar? It’s a shock collar for your penis: Heel, boy, heel! Or should I say, squeal, boy, squeal?

The hard–hitting, fast–shooting detective Dick Tracy had it all wrong. Travel to our future, Dick, and slip into a pair of Fundawear to become hard and fast–shooting in a whole new way.

Sound, sight and touch – three senses down, two left to go. It’s just a matter of time before we are sniffing and licking the screens of our phones. As long as no one is butt dialing me, the future smells rosy.