SpeakOUT: Using Buddhist principles to overcome anxiety

By Lynda Oudenhoven

Fear and anxiety are factors that keep transgender individuals from living their true nature and realizing their full potential. I myself have let those two factors influence me to the point where I only went out at night to gender-friendly establishments, for fear of being “caught.”

My daughter gave me a book last spring that saved my life. The Joy of Living – The Secret and Science to Happiness by Buddhist monk Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche discusses how we develop fear and our responses to fear over time on our previous experiences and reactions.

The book offered me an alternative on how to deal with my fear and anxiety.

In a nutshell, fear is what is referred to as relative reality. It is not something that we can take from the cupboard, like a plate or a glass, and place on the counter. Realizing this, I began to ask myself: “Where does my fear originate?”

I began to realize that fear was nothing more than a product of our mind and thoughts, which aren’t real. We possess the power reprogram our responses.

By remaining focused on what is truly in front of us in the physical world and not allowing thoughts to dictate a physical response to a perceived threat, we can break free from what binds us. Meditation serves as a wonderful practice to help re-train the brain and help us live in the moment.

I was a prisoner of my own fear, and in my own home, for 49 years until I learned this practice. Now, when I’m out in public, I don’t think about what other people might be thinking about me. When thoughts of other people’s perceptions do arise, I recognize them as thoughts – nothing more, nothing less. And I return to what is real: my shopping list, or what I am doing.

This book has also taught me the value of compassion. Compassion is the recognition of another’s suffering along with a willingness to alleviate that suffering. By placing ourselves in the shoes of another and trying to see their perspective, we become more aware of what they may be going through.

An example: I was at Wal-Mart one evening. I was ready to check out, and noticed only several lanes were open. The lane I chose to get in was moving very slowly and I noticed the people in front of me getting anxious, even upset, about the situation. I watched as the cashier, who was obviously new on the job, struggle to complete her tasks.

I started to feel my own sense of comfort slipping and I too was impatient. I then remembered to place myself in her shoes and look at this from her perspective. Suddenly, I felt compassion for her and what she was experiencing and felt compelled to help her somehow.

With this desire, my comfort level rose. When it was my turn to check out, I leaned in, and with as soft of a demeanor as I could muster, I said to her, “Hey, it’s going to be alright, we all have to start somewhere. Don’t think about what everyone is thinking in line. You’re going to be fine.”

The cashier turned towards me and after staring for a brief moment, said she appreciated my words and approach, and felt better. She thanked me.

By displaying compassion towards this one other person on a daily shopping trip, I also regained my comfort level. The feeling of satisfaction from that one incident was nearly overwhelming for me. What started as an anxious event ended in a beautiful exchange.

Lynda Oudenhoven is a 49-year-old transwoman who has worked at the Denver Police Fleet Maintenance division for the past 22 years. She lives in the suburbs of Southwest Denver with her daughter and two dogs.