Speak OUT: two’s company, but three’s more fun

By Traci Wallace

Being a student of all things psychology, I am so grateful to be constantly surrounded by women at my job: I’m a bartender at a popular lesbian bar in Denver.

Women are the most psychologically complex creatures in the world, so the most complicated creatures in the world trying to maintain relationships with just-as-complicated partners means stories you just can’t make up.

As I was wrapping up a night with only a few ladies left at the bar, the conversation took a personal turn. I can understand the curiosity. My lifestyle is misunderstood by most, especially in our lesbian community: my girlfriend and I have been in a successful polyamorous relationship for three years. It’s possible, I can assure you.

“If you get married, will you continue to be polyamorous?” the questioning started. Why wouldn’t we? Unlike swingers, whose focus is primarily on recreational sex, polyamory has a deeper focus.

Two other concerns came up repeatedly: safety and jealousy. One of these is very rational, and the other, contrary to popular belief, is not.

Safety is something that must be taken in to consideration when living any kind of multi-partner lifestyle. It’s ironic that, because of known risks, those of us practicing non-monogamy are probably more mindful of safe sex than those who practice monogamy.

But jealously, much like worry, is a completely irrational feeling that constantly seeks to protect and justify itself. It comes from a long list of personal insecurities that have nothing to do with your partner. Yet it is easier to project them through jealous rage than to maturely address your own problems. I believe that facing jealousy in any kind of relationship is not only healthy for you and your partner, but helps transform you into a secure and self-confident person.

Honesty also seems more prevalent in the poly world. Almost every person I know has cheated or deceived a partner at least once in life, as had everyone asking me about my lifestyle that evening.

What is the point of agreeing to something that you just don’t want to do? I would rather find someone who is accepting or in agreement with who I am and how I am before ever again lying to someone’s face.

I understand that as females we are naturally more sensitive and emotional beings. However, polyamory is not a strictly carnal, animalistic physical pursuit of “all you can eat sex-a-thons.” It is simply the belief that love is abundant. It is not like cash in your wallet; when you’ve spent it in one place, you’re all out. Who says that loving one person means that you don’t have the capacity to love any more? I say, the more, the merrier!

People are different; they do things differently and they like things differently. With so many people in the world, I choose to not limit myself to the amount of potentially amazing interactions and people I can meet.

Let me assure you, I am not a secret recruiter for poly lifestyles. I just know that we, as females, have never been told that there is an option to relationships beside single, or monogamous. I’m here to tell you that there is, and maybe you might want to explore it too.