Author and Counselor Shane Hodges on Authenticity

Author and counselor Shane Hodges and I sat down to chat about therapy, authenticity, and his new book It’s Time to BE YOU!. Shane Hodges is a counselor in the Denver area specializing in individual therapy and couples work with nontraditional couples. He describes his book as “a new twist on self-reflection” or even a “Choose your Own Adventure” book. It is a fill-in book, something I’d describe as either an overly personal intake form or filling out my own character sheet, but something useful for those of us that find the blank pages of a journal overly intimidating.

If you are interested in contacting Shane for counseling or to attend one of his book workshops, you can find more information or contact him at shanehodgescounseling.com.

So, I’m curious, what do you want this book to do? Who is it for?

That’s a good question. One goal behind the book was to really put out there my own experience, in an effort to show people, not only that it’s OK to be yourself, but also the effects of not doing so. Authenticity has been a big piece of my own journey, especially in recent years, and I just turned 48 this year, so, it took me longer than I would like to admit to get here, but I lived too much of my life and went through too many experiences not being myself.

So, you’re interested in getting people to not only answer the questions the way that they might answer it in everyday life, but then consider why those answers are there in a space where they have more time to do so.

Exactly. And go deeper. So, the book I see as sort of a jumping off point for people who are trying to figure themselves out to be more authentic and or perhaps have gone through some change or transition in their life and are trying to rediscover who they are at this point in their lives.

Because even those of us who at some point had a pretty good grasp or confidence in who we were, sometimes we lose that, and we realize, OK, I’m not exactly where I want to be or who I want to be right now. And so, this, I think, is a starting point for people to dig a little bit deeper. And, you know, for perhaps people who are either not able to access therapeutic services or aren’t sure how to go about doing so, I think this is a great way to dip their toe in the pool.

Could you tell me a little bit about the part of your life where you decided to like make authenticity a goal or a value and what work you did around that?

So, it definitely came in waves. I would say, as a young kid, I was pretty confident in myself and who I was. And then probably around just before high school is when I started to kind of minimize myself. I think I mentioned it in the book, but I knew I was gay when I was 10, but I didn’t come out until I was 23. And so those high school years, there was a lot of kind of creating a character or a version of myself that I thought would be acceptable and living that character.

And then the first big moment was right around the age of 23, right before I moved to Denver. I had not come out yet. And I had a friend, someone I thought was a friend, at a party do something that was really inappropriate in front of our group of friends and her boyfriend at the time. And it made me realize this person is using me for something, and I’m not OK with that. And so that situation made me realize I didn’t have very good boundaries.

But it honestly wasn’t until about 10 years ago when I read a book called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. And that book, for me, it changed my life. And what it did was, it allowed me to recognize that I’m the only person who can give myself permission to be myself. And so that, I would say, is the biggest turning point of when my authenticity journey started.

But even with that, it’s only been about the last four years, I would say, that I’ve really pushed myself hard to be nothing but myself. And one of the big reasons for that was around that time, my husband was working in politics.

And so, when we would attend these political events, I noticed a lot of people who were putting up a facade, kind of, excuse my language, kissing ass, to be welcomed into that circle of, you know, the politician my husband worked for. And because he worked for them, there were moments where I’m like, OK, I need to be appropriate and accommodating. And I started to have that feeling, which I refer to, again, I think in the book, called the “ick,” where I was like, I’m not being true to myself right now, and I don’t like how this feels. And so it was around that time that I truly decided I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m going to be myself, and some people aren’t going to like it. That isn’t a problem for me. That’s for them to deal with. And so that’s sort of where it was really kicked off. And it was shortly after that, that I decided to do this book.

When it comes to this kind of work, I would assume that for many queer people, this kind of self-reflection can either be attached to semi-painful memories or just hard to access on a basic level. I wanted to hear more about how you how you started cracking that egg and just feeling where your genuine voice is coming from? 

So, for me, I have always been loud and outspoken. I’ve always been an extrovert. And I come from a very large family, many of whom are people-pleasers. And so, I avoided conflict and confrontation like the plague. As a gay man, I, like I said, I knew at 10. But I didn’t come out until my 20s. I was 23.

I worked in corporate America for 15 years. And there was this aspect of, I need to prove myself. You know, I need to show that I can do anything anybody else can, in spite of being a gay man. And again, I had various scenarios throughout the years where I would minimize myself. And I realized that in the work that I’m doing, I need to be myself, if I am trying to, you know, work with a client, and telling them that it’s OK to be themselves.

And I actually had a friend a few years back who made a comment which I take with me all the time. He said, “Your superpower is that you make others feel comfortable being themselves because you are yourself.” And I was like, OK, that’s huge.

“I watched it back, and there was no cringiness. I was like, yeah, that’s who I am. That’s my voice. It hasn’t changed. And I wasn’t trying to, you know, change it.”

And then another thing that I’ve seen, and I don’t remember where it came from, it could be a meme for all I know, but it was, “You’ve become the person that would have protected the younger you.” And I was like, OK, yes, I love that. So, that’s why I think a big part of this is so important for me.

So those first moments ofhearing your own voice again, those were really powerful for you; you needed to share those. 

Well, and it’s interesting that you say that because growing up, I hated hearing my own voice. Anytime I saw or heard a recording or a video of myself, it totally turned me off. It made me feel feminine.

And I thought I sounded like a woman, and I got mistaken for a woman on the phone anytime when I was younger. And I just hated it. And as I started doing the book, one of the things I had to get used to was doing more social media stuff. And that came with doing videos. And it was very interesting that when I did the first video, I watched it back, and there was no cringiness. I was like, yeah, that’s who I am. That’s my voice. It hasn’t changed. And I wasn’t trying to, you know, change it.

Well, it’s an important part of the process, I think, for a lot of queer people, genuinely finding their voice or coming to terms with what their voice sounds like.

So, you talked about this a little bit with one of the booksYou are Badass. I was curious what books you were looking at when you wrote this.

Yeah, I actually find it to be very unique. I have not found another book that is like this. When I first started thinking about writing a book, which was probably about five or six years ago, I had a few different ideas in mind.

One was the workbook, fill-in book type of option. One was something that fell into that self-help range. But I haven’t always loved that genre of books. I have found that a lot of the ones I’ve read are written in a way that feels preachy and condescending and almost like the authors are coming off as they’re better than or they know better than you. And that never really resonated with me.

And then the third option was writing my own story. So ultimately, I kind of marked that one off first because I realized I’m not done. My story’s not over, and so I’m not ready to do that.

And then what happened was, I went back and was thinking about different books that I had encountered. One of them was a fill-in book that I had done, now it’s been almost 20 years ago. And I’d actually been recommending that book to clients along with You are a Badass, and when I went back and reread the fill-in book about two years ago, I realized it’s very outdated. It was originally published in, I think it was 1995 or 1998.

And as I went back through it, I immediately was like, “Oh, I can’t refer this to clients anymore” because it’s outdated but also not inclusive. And so, I was like, OK, I’m going to do an updated version that is more inclusive and more encompassing. And then, as I started to put the book together, I incorporated aspects of my own story, so there are parts of that in there, as well as aspects of my counseling profession and the experience I’ve had with clients. So, there’s techniques and tools and things in there, as well. So, in the end, it kind of ended up being a combination of all three.

But yeah, there was two or three books that sort of inspired me. There’s You Are a Badass; a second one is called Unfuck Yourself, and those two are very similar in terms of content and message. And then the other one was a fill-in book, that fill-in book, and more of just, like I said, taking that concept and designing it in a more updated way.

Well, let me ask you a question, I know this isn’t the way it’s supposed to go, but I’m curious. I don’t know how far along you are, but, what, if anything, thus far, have you learned about yourself? Or has kind of surprised you?

That’s a good question. I think the last section I did, well, I skipped to the relationship section after this, but the last section I did was the beliefs the right and wrong section, the morals section. And I’m a person with kind of an intense moral compass, which is part of why I’m doing journalism and stuff. This question about, “What crime would you commit if you knew you couldn’t be caught?” or “What would you do that would shock your friends or family?” those answers, my answers to those really surprised me. They make sense, and I’m not ashamed of them, but they really shocked me. Also, how easily they came, that was the last thing that surprised me.

And I appreciate that last comment you made, how easily the answer came. Because we’re taught, conditioned, whatever you want to call it, to think, “I’m not really supposed to think about those questions; I can’t have an answer to that question.” And maybe you shouldn’t, but we all do. It’s like, we’re human; we’ve thought about it. It doesn’t mean we’re gonna do it, and that’s where I think a lot of people get stuck.

Like, when I have parents come in, I often joke with them, I’m like, “look, if you tell me you have never considered just running away and leaving your children behind. Or, never had the thought, ‘I wish I never had children. What would my life be like if I didn’t have children?’ You’re lying!’” Its ok to think that, because you are a human being! It doesn’t really mean it’s better, or that you are going to run away, but we all have thoughts like that.

My other question is … I mentioned earlier, as a queer person, some of these topics touch on painful memories and are gonna bring up hard feelings. So, the original question I asked was, “How would you like people to benefit from these experiences?” and I think we’ve talked about that a lot, so I’m also really interested in how you’d like people to deal and move through these experiences.

Basically, in terms of working through it, my biggest thing is, I try to convey to people: None of us know it all; none of us can do it all. So, challenge yourself to be willing to either ask for help and support and/or accept help and support when it is offered. That that can look very different to different people. Not everyone is going to reach out for therapy.

“So, one, own your own shit; two, it comes down to control.”

I think a big part of working through our stuff, is one, we have to own our own shit, and that comment in and of itself can be very layered. Because we sometimes don’t want to acknowledge our own part in things, that we even had a part in things. For example, I’ll just use my previous career; I bitched and moaned about how I hated that career for at least a decade, if not longer, of the 15 years I was in it. But I never took action to change it. I continued to tell myself, “This is the only thing I know how to do. I’m too old to go back to school. I can’t afford to take a paycut or to go back to school.” Those things. And, if something is important enough, we will find a way to make a change, or at least move in that direction.

So one, own your own shit; two, it comes down to control, and it is acknowledging where you do and don’t have control. And, I have a little diagram that I use, but basically, I ask people, ‘When you encounter something that you are uncomfortable, or there’s something about it that you are struggling with, ask yourself the question, do I have control over this?’ If the answer is no, the goal there is to attempt to leave that stuff, walk away from it. And I say ‘attempt’ because sometimes we’re gonna try, but we’re not going to be very successful. Because we want to believe that we have control, but the amount of time, and money, and effort, and emotion, we put into that, it’s going to be a waste. Because one, it’s going to have little, if any, impact, and two, it makes us feel bad, because we do recognize we don’t have control and that makes us feel gross, or like a failure, or miserable, or whatever.

If the answer is, “Yes, I have control,” then you have to ask yourself the next question, which is, “OK, at this time, am I ready, willing, and/or able, to do something about it?” and sometimes there the answer is “no.” And that’s OK, but you do have to ask yourself why, and you have to look at the reason or excuse and determine which one it is. And regardless of whether it’s an excuse or a reason, that’s fine, you may not be ready to go there yet.

So, those are two big things, owning your own shit, recognize where you don’t have control. And I would say, the biggest, one of the biggest pieces that I include is, “Give yourself a little bit of grace.” Change does not happen overnight, I have been working on myself my entire life, and some moments had a lot better outcomes than others. So, give yourself a little grace. Be patient; its never been my strong suit, but, again, these changes take time. And also, there are moments where it’s like, “I made some progress, and then today I’m not being authentic.” And then we recognize it, and we reset.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity

Photo courtesy of Shane Hodges