Sexuality: Why penetration is so culturally important in queer sexuality

Penetration: a word we’ve all come to be extremely and intimately familiar with as we talk about sexuality. No matter where you may fall on the spectrum of sexual orientation, chances are both the word and the action play a big role in what you think of as “sex.” 

At some point in human history, somebody realized that the act of penetration was something that felt good and natural for far more than just reproductive purposes. Ever since this discovery, we’ve continued to use this model of penetrating for pleasure. But why do our minds and bodies respond in such a manner?

I believe that with the term penetration also goes hand in hand with the word performance. Maybe it’s a gender performance – a demonstration of masculinity. Or perhaps it’s the most gender-neutral action there is, since it appears in sex acts of any combination of gender. But depending on who you are, the partners you choose and the type of sexual “role” you play in the bedroom, penetration takes its place in the art of performance.

For the heterosexual man, for example, penetration can be a symbol of power.

“For me, penetration is something that I’m in control of,” Parker Davis said. Davis, a heterosexual 20-something considers himself a ladies man in the heart of a sexual playground in New York City. “I control the penetration, the power is literally in me.

But – “At the same time,” he continued, “I think penetration is also about the connection of the energy between the two partners and the love uniting and becoming one,” Davis said. “It’s like I can feel the passion and I feel at one with her.”

Penetration can mean something entirely different for the homosexual male, however.

“There’s a lot of debate between the penetrative partner vs. the non-penetrative partner in gay relationships,” said Luis Montalongo, a 23-year-old Denver resident. “Like, does it make me less of a man because I assume a passive role?”

Penetration is more than just the heterosexual and homosexual roles that we normally associate with it. There is a mystique to penetration that one Out Front Reader was willing to talk about, including the role reversal of penetration, and the addition of a strap on.

Carrie is a 32-year-old woman living in the Cherry Creek district of Denver. She has been engaged to her fiancé Scott since 2011. Carrie describes her relationship with Scott as “heterosexual with a twist.”

“We first experimented with a strap-on this past summer,” Carrie said. “I wouldn’t necessarily say that things were becoming more dull with our relationship, but there was definitely an element that we were lacking.”

Carrie said that when Scott first asked her to use a strap on, the idea of penetrating her lover was initially daunting.

“I didn’t know what to think,” Carrie said. “I didn’t know what role I was playing anymore – was I the man or the woman? Was my fiancé gay? Was he bisexual? Was I not turning him on anymore? It was a conversation I felt I needed to have before I could consider incorporating this phallic object into our sexual routine.”

Carrie said that after the conversation with Scott, she learned that while he wasn’t lusting after other men, he was just interested in the act of penetration.

“It’s something that feels good to him,” Carrie said. “And I can understand that. We use the act of penetration in sex because it feels good.”

Mistress Ginger Bellatrix, a former dominatrix in Seattle, says penetration has two entirely different meanings to her.

“When I’m with my girlfriend, penetration is something we do to share a sexual experience together,” Ginger said. “Wearing a strap on with her is separate than practicing femdom with another individual.”

Bellatrix used to practice BDSM in a sexual manner, wearing strap ons with clients who preferred penetration.

“Wearing a strap on in the BDSM world is a sign of power,” Bellatrix said. “Penetrating someone in that fashion is a demonstration of domination. But the word ‘penetration’ has a different meaning with my girlfriend. I don’t want to dominate her (all the time). I want to share something special with her. I want to be as close as I possibly can to her.”

Penetration. When you really think about it, the power of the definition and the action means something different for everyone.