Ask The Sexpert: ‘My breakup killed my sex drive’

Dear Shanna,

After a traumatic end of a serious and long-term relationship, I lost pretty much all interest in sex, including masturbation. Considering that before and during this recent relationship I had a super high sex drive, is something wrong with me? Should I just have sex and see if the interest comes back? My friends are starting to worry, and some are even calling me a prude. What should I do?

Single & Satisfied with Being Sexless in Lonetree

Dear Single & Satisfied with Being Sexless:

If you are happy with where you are at with your sex drive, then I say tell your friends to go figure out their own problems and leave you alone.

That being said, if you are worried about having a less than super sex drive, there are some things to think about. First of all, trauma of any kind can significantly impact our sex drives; this could be anything from loss (loss of a relationship, loss through death or someone ending a friendship), physical trauma (a car accident or injury), stress-centered trauma, etc. Because sex is not usually the first thing we think of in a crisis such as these, it is sometimes difficult to process how it might have affected our sex drives.

Basically, ending a long term relationship can be very traumatic for some folks, and it can take a while for us to recover. Be gentle with yourself and consider looking into some self-awareness practices like meditation or journaling. Work on being sensual — hot baths, running your hands over your body or reading erotica might light a spark. Don’t push it, but know that it is ok to play around within your new sex drive, and figure out what does and doesn’t turn you on, what things have changed, and what has stayed the same. Allow yourself space to be who you are now and slowly heal.

Once you’re feeling like you have a better understanding of what works for you and what doesn’t, then you can feel free to go out and start looking again, but it’s fine if you’re not in the same high-sex-drive prowling place that you were before the relationship. As long as what ever you do feels right to you, then it is absolutely perfect for you, regardless of what your friends say.

Best of luck!

Shanna