Sexpert: More of a good thing

Dear Shanna —

I want to try some new and different things with my partner of 8 years, but I’m not sure how to bring it up without it seeming unhappy with our current sex life (I’m not).

–Ready to Propose [A New Sex Move] in Denver

Dear Ready to Propose,

We generally have to mix things up in our sex lives to keep them interesting and fulfilling. Adding something new and different shouldn’t be that big of a deal of couples; we change our wardrobes season to season, so why not mix up our sex lives too? Yet we tend to buy into this notion that if sex isn’t absolutely perfect and incredibly satisfying each and every time, there is something wrong with us or our partner, and avoid talking about how it could be better.

This means that you need to give your partner lots of positive feedback while suggesting a new addition. Make sure they know how much you enjoy being together, both in the relationship sense and in the sexual sense. Establish that you are happy and you just want to try new things. Ask if there are things your partner would like to try too (sex goes both ways — they might have a suggestion of something they’ve wanted to bring up for years, but have been equally afraid of hurting your feelings). If your partner shuts down your idea, ask what they don’t like about it and if they have a different suggestion.

Always put feelings first and validate your partner’s responses — but it sounds like you should feel free to move forward with putting your idea on the table, as long as you remind your partner why you are there and care in the first place.

Best of luck,

-Shanna