Sexpert: Assuaging anxiety about anal

Dear Shanna,

How can I convince my wife that she’ll like anal sex and should try it? We have lube and some good anal sex books, but she still seems skittish. I feel like she’ll love it if she just gives it the old college try. Help!

— Anxious for Anal, Broomfield

Dear Anxious for Anal – 

Any time I see or hear the word “convince” in regards to sexual acts, I get a little anxious myself. Sex is a partnership, and while you two should certainly be able to have open discussion about all potential activities, trying to convince someone that they should do a specific activity seems a bit manipulative.

Have you considered her concerns and given her space to share them? Common concerns include fear of pain, the sense that it may be seen as dirty or degrading, a history of sexual violence or lack of consent involving anal sex — and just a plain ol’ lack of interest in it. Exploring her thoughts is a good starting point, but keep in mind that troubleshooting any “issues” does not mean that she’ll ultimately chance course; you need to be ok with having a dialog with room for her to still say “heck no!”

Another thought: people often view anal sex as a one-way deal: I do you, period. But the anus is the great equalizer — everyone has one! Consider asking her if she’d like to strap it on and reverse roles. She could also use a butt plug on you or even fingers and a glove (and yes, you’re right, lots of lube!). However it goes down, make sure to have lots of lube, lots of time, lots of relaxation, and lots of communication.

There is no quick way to have anal sex for the first time (or first 100 times, depending on your bodies), so treat it more like a journey than a destination. Best wishes on your mutual
adventures!

— Shanna