Ask the Sexpert: Seeking long–term kink

Dear Shanna,

I’m a kinky guy, newly single, and looking for someone to play with and potentially even start a longer–term relationship. However, I don’t even know where to start looking or how to bring it up in conversation. Can you help?

– Needs A Match Made in Kinky Heaven

Hello Match Made in Kinky Heaven;

Good for you for knowing what you want. I know getting there can be tricky, but it’s never as difficult as figuring out exactly what you’re looking for.

I’d think specifically about what “kinky” means to you. For some it just means doing it with the lights on. For some it could be spanking or flogging, for others it means a Master/slave contract and interacting within a power play structure full–time, and of course there’s anything between. Think about the role kink would play in your ideal relationship – is it just icing on the cake of a mostly–vanilla traditional sex life, or is it crucial that kink is integrated into every part of your relationship?

Once you’ve determined the nuances, it’s time to go on the prowl. If you like meeting potential partners face–to–face, then hit the community up. The Eagle is a leather bar. Local dungeons The Denver Sanctuary and the RACK Room offer play parties and social events. If it’s easier for you to approach the conversation online, FetLife.com has been billed as the Facebook of the kink community, and has a thriving set of Denverites (and Coloradans). You can make friends, join interests groups, posts pictures (yes, even nude ones), and interact in a variety of ways. There are even groups where you can post classified ads with what you are looking for. More old school (and frequently more hetero-focused, though not always) is CollarMe.com.

You can also meet people using more traditional methods (bars, gay/queer events, groups at The Center, etc) and bring up kink. Ask them if they’ve seen the movie Secretary, or casually bring up flagging in a and gauge how they react. You could, of course, just come out as kinky and if they aren’t into it you’ll know they weren’t the right fit for you.

Best of luck in finding that kinky match – I’m sure they’re out there!

– Shanna