Reverend Waste, at your service

I took the plunge. Civil unions went into effect on May 1, 2013 here in Colorado. And while I did get hitched to Mr. Waste shortly after midnight at the Webb Municipal Building, the plunge I’m talking about is that I’m now an ordained minister.

Thanks to the holy miracle that is the Internet, and the blessed powers of the Universal Life Church Monastery, I, Nuclia Waste, was ordained a minister on May 7. I do believe I am the first drag queen minister in Colorado. And if you believe Google, I may be the first ordained drag queen in the nation.

To think I blew four years of high school and two years of college in the Catholic seminary studying to be a priest. My online ordination took nanoseconds. I did not have to take vows of poverty, chastity or obedience – a good thing because I want to be one of them old–fashioned Southern preachers, rich, disobedient and screwing anything with two or more legs. I want my own TV show with an 800 number so worshippers across the continent can donate to my favorite charity: me. I want to sin, get caught and then beg for forgiveness on the national news as mascara runs down my face.

It was Representative Diana DeGette who planted the mischievous idea in my mind. Sitting next to her on the eve of Colorado civil unions at One Colorado’s Civil Soiree, she confessed to me she had been ordained the day before. Until then, Diana had assumed being a state representative came with certain powers – such as officiating a wedding – but according to the laws of our country, being an elected official gets you term limits and diddlysquat. So to be able to celebrate her friends’ unions, Diane did what any good politician would do – found a loophole. A little searching and a few clicks later she is now a plastic–card carrying ordained minister just like myself. Later that night she officiated several of the 130 civil unions in Denver.

According to my new church, Universal Life Church Monastery, I am in good company; its ordained ministers include Conan O’Brien, Goldie Hawn, Hugh Hefner, Barbara Streisand and Kathy Griffin. Unfortunately, it’s also Nicole Richie and Glenn Beck.

My new position as minister comes with more than just wedding privileges. I can also officiate funerals, baptisms and even exorcisms. So if you know anyone that needs killin’, baptizing, or is just an evil demon spirit, send them my way. I’ll have them buried, saved or expunged in no time.

If you’re tired of the same old minister dressed in black and white, if you are looking to add more color to your civil union ceremony, I am now taking reservations to officiate at any and all Colorado civil unions. Send me an email (nuclia@nucliawaste.com) with your civil union date and I will check my calendar to see if I can squeeze you in between the funerals, baptisms and exorcisms. A minister’s got to do what a minister’s got to do.

Can I get an “amen!” up in here? Amen!