Queer Girl Q&A: Navigating the Heteronormative

March Q&A

Q: Since coming out, I’ve gone to many queer events, namely drag shows. I always have so much fun at them. It’s truly wonderful to see people in my community being comfortably themselves as they fill the room with their vibrant queer energy.

And yet, as soon as I step foot outside these spaces, I go right back to passing as straight. I know there are bigger issues, and this is more a minor annoyance than a real hardship, but any tips for navigating our heteronormative world? As much as I love drag shows, to live life in a queer bubble and only spend my time in LGBTQ enclaves just doesn’t seem realistic.

**I mean this more generally, but also in terms of meeting other queer people I might like to date. I want them to know I swing their way and that they can approach me!

A: I feel your struggle. It’s no secret that the world is designed with hetero interests in mind, with queers as an afterthought. In my 13 years of living out and proud, I’ve encountered heteronormativity across innumerable situations. Over the years, older Latina ladies joked about bringing me back a husband from El Salvador while we sipped coffee at a previous job. Kids I babysat have asked “What kind of boys do you like?” as we ate from a shared bowl of popcorn while watching The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Various Lyft passengers have repeatedly launched the “Do you have a boyfriend?” question as conversational ice breakers.

Once at a doctor’s appointment, after I answered “No” to the “Are you on birth control?” question, the doctor immediately assumed that the reason for this was because my partner was using condoms. 

Perhaps my favorite: “Are you selling these for a friend?” a man once asked, gesturing to the lesbian romance novels I was selling at a flea market in Uruguay.

These were all innocent comments, many of them made by kind people. Yet in a subtle way, they all still reinforce LGBTQ people’s “other” status.

Especially when I was younger, and LGBTQ visibility was far lower than it is now, many days I felt involuntarily cloaked in a robe of invisibility—with the onus on me to decide when and how to pull it off. As many queer people will tell you, heteronormativity turns coming out into a lifelong process.

Is it hopeless then? Not at all! Here are a couple tips for navigating this hetero world as your beautiful queer self.

Adopt queer markers.

From what I understand, aesthetics first came to represent sexuality back in the 1940s, so that lesbians (butches and femmes) could locate one another and pair off more easily. 

Nowadays, certain signifiers serve a similar purpose, albeit in a less binary way; androgyny and wider variations of gender presentations can also connote queerness (think tattoos, piercings, partially shaved heads, even biceps).

Of course, the idea that sexuality “looks” a certain way is itself heteronormative. Like meat-eaters, people with diabetes, and individuals born in Muncie, Indiana, we queers run the full gamut when it comes to appearance. 

Still, adopting signifiers is a way for us to find each other “out in the wild.” Through them, we can differentiate ourselves at least somewhat from the heterosexual masses, where otherwise we would blend in.

Do things you love.

One time, a girl came up to me when I was on my own at the river delta. It was one of the only times I’ve been approached by a woman out in public, and I picked up definite queer vibes from her. 

Nothing ended up happening, but our brief interaction did give me hope—that maybe we queers can be approached in “heteronormative spaces,” at random or unexpected moments. Maybe when we’re pouring energy into what makes us happy, others are attracted to that—regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

So consider going to the park to paint, a cafe to write, or a grassy field to work out with a soccer ball—any activity that puts you in your element without the shield of friends that can at times intimidate others from approaching us. Basically, do what you love, away from your cocoon (as far as COVID permits). If a bystander chats you up, that’s just the caramel atop the rainbow ice cream.

Lastly, if someone assumes you’re straight, gently correct them. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. I’ve gotten better at this with time, and it’s so routine now that it rarely feels awkward anymore.

So there you have it, reader—Do what you love, adopt queer signifiers, and assert yourself.

The world still operates under heteronormative assumptions, but I’m confident that, with time, LGBTQ visibility will only continue to expand—thus rendering presumptions of any person’s sexual orientation obsolete.