Ask the Sexpert: Pursuing sexual fantasies with a partner

Dear Shanna, 

I want to share a fantasy with my girlfriend that I kind of want to make into a reality, but I’m scared of her judging me or telling me I’m weird. However, I think that having her act it out would be such a huge turn–on. Any suggestions?

Fulfilling My Fantasies in Longmont

Hello Fulfilling My Fantasies,

We all have sexual fantasies running through our heads. Some are perfect staying there – they might not feel as fantastical if we brought them into reality or they’re troublesome to enact. (Inviting Shane McCutcheon to a threesome is difficult on multiple fronts; a lesbian–only oil wrestling match at the Fillmore might also be hard to pull off.) But sharing a fantasy with your partner can increase intimacy and boost your sex life.

The first step is to share it with her and get her thoughts.

Consider sitting down separately to each write one of your fantasies in detail. Switch and silently read what the other wrote, separately, or back–to–back so you can’t see each other’s facial expressions, then come back together to discuss. This gives time to think about how you feel about the other person’s fantasy, making it safer and less reactionary. Talk about the key parts that make each fantasy hot – is it the specific people involved, the location, the power dynamic, the costumes, the fact that it’s taboo? Once you figure out what really gets you going, you can talk about whether you want to try to make your fantasies real.

Keep in mind that she may politely validate your fantasy but tell you it’s not for her, for whatever reason. If she does, that’s OK – you can ask if she might be willing to work on a different fantasy, or just stick with what is already working. Make sure to set boundaries around conversations so feelings aren’t hurt, but keep the communication open!

Best of luck fulfilling those fabulous fantasies!