I hear many people talking about how the gay scene is full of discrimination. Many times this relates to when people are talking about why someone doesn’t want to go on a date with them or isn’t interested in a sweaty sexual encounter. Since words are extremely important and powerful in the way they describe the world, I think it’s important to use the right words.
Discrimination is excluding or looking down at an individual based on superficial reasons, or having a preconceived idea of who they are or how they will act. It focuses on putting down individuals or groups to make them feel that others possess some power or superiority over them. Preferences, however, speak to a person’s desire to be interested in some things while disinterested in others. Claiming that someone is being discriminatory places the blame on that person for a character defect they possess treating others unfairly due to incorrect or misguided thinking or feeling they are better than someone else.
There are so many reasons why people are attracted to each other in the dating world — physical build, height, skin tone, eye color, social style, dick size, flair for fashion or an ultra-modern hair style can draw people together. There are also a variety of differences when it comes to how we spend our time, the music we enjoy, how we worship and the amount of alcohol we drink when we go out. Additionally, there are other aspects that may attract some and disinterest others — ethnicity, body fat, HIV status, how we party, tattoos, profession, relationship status and sexual interests.
The fact that we have preferences does not necessarily mean we’re closed-minded or inappropriately judge. We should take the time and energy to figure out who and what turns us on. Often when people cry discrimination they may more accurately be describing feeling angry they don’t fit the mold of someone’s preferences. We’ve all turned someone down for one reason or another and have all been turned down ourselves, not necessarily due to being discriminatory, sexist, racist, HIV-phobic, or inappropriately judgmental. It could be that they’re not what we’re looking looking for, in general or at that moment.
Am I being “discriminatory” against females since my preference is to get naked and sweaty with men only? Trust me, I’m not a woman hater or female-phobic. Regardless, I do have interests in particular types of men and there are a variety of things that intrigue and interest me about my partners. I’m not exactly sure where these interests are, but I know when someone or something does or doesn’t turn me on. Few would argue I need to be open to every person and situation equally.
We all have the ability to choose. Our dating and sex life is not an equal opportunity employer or bound by the rules of affirmative action. Although it may kick our self-esteem in a tender place, I think it’s OK to not be interested in spending time with someone for a variety of reasons.
But regardless whether you’re interested in spending time with a particular person or not, I hope that we all interact with respect and kindness. You don’t have to give a full dissertation about all of the reasons why you aren’t interested in someone — having compassion for someone’s feelings is important.
Another concern is that we may not give people chances if they do not initially appear to be what we think we want. Getting to know people is a great way to see if there is potential for deeper connections beyond what you notice superficially.
