In a world that values hard work, it can be hard to just ‘be’

As I write this, the sun is shining through the window of my favorite diner, and I am relaxing. At least I’m telling myself I’m relaxing. I declared two years ago that if I was going to be my own boss, then I was going to give myself permission to take a lot of time to spend idle — just living — during the holidays.

It’s a lot more difficult than I thought. I know the work that needs to be done.

When I moved back to Denver from New York City years ago, I had someone marvel to me that I don’t know how to relax. I completely disagreed — of course I know how — I just have to plan relaxing time so I know how long I’ll be unavailable. Have to schedule meetings ahead of relaxing time. Have to decide where I’m going to relax and pack accordingly, book the hotel, make reservations…

Yes, of course I know this is a bit neurotic. I used to blame it on New York City. That’s easier than saying “I have control issues;” that’s what it really is, about needing to feel in control. And control is an illusion. We don’t control anything. No matter what we do, we cannot make other people do anything. We can do what we can to create the opportunity for the outcome we seek. My wusband is constantly saying to me “it’s okay.” She says that I struggle with a need to be perfect and I have to keep remembering that it’s okay if I’m not – control issues.

When I think about the times that I can say I have been truly relaxed, each one is a time when I had to be completely present. I was in the mountains, on an island, on retreat and I couldn’t use my phone, check my email, be reached by anyone that wasn’t in my location. When I had to surrender to the moment and accept that whatever was happening “out there” would do so without my input, out of my control, this is when I found myself truly relaxing. They are moments of real grace, moments that have fed me the most.

Funny thing is, the only person preventing me from having more of these moments is me. I am the one that says yes to the meeting, seeks the interview, starts the blog, gets on the plane. I am the one that creates the life I have. So, it is clearly up to me to find more time for unplugging, relinquishing my illusion of control.

I look at the beginning of the year as a great time to create joy. So, in an effort to support myself in this quest, which is a joyful pursuit to be sure, I will begin scheduling retreat time (baby steps — I still have a busy life). I always have writing, between my column, my blog, interviews that I’ve done, interviews that are being offered, work on my book and other plans — you get the idea. Being a writer means that there are always more words to write, it is a blessing. It also means that you can decide that you don’t have to be the one to write them all.