Parenting: Letting my children grow up

As LGBT parents we need to help our children understand that it took a man and a woman for them to be created. In turn we must be prepared for questions that our children might have and for reactions and responses that might come along with their understanding. I have been out for some years now, but only recently my eldest son told me that he wants to get to know his father. His desire was understandable, as I believe that it is important for children to know both of their parents (birth mother and birth father), if that is available to them. It helps them to better understand who they are.

You being a lesbian means that I will not have a dad in my life, correct? – my son asked.

“That is incorrect,” I responded. “Being a lesbian means that I, personally, prefer a woman to be my partner. You have a dad that helped bring you into this world and has made a conscious choice not to be a part of your life.”

“Well, I want to get to know my dad,” my son said. “I want to know what he is like, what he likes to do, if we have anything in common, I just want to know my dad, mom.”

My discomfort came from not what he asked, but how he asked. I know that he meant no harm, but it left a sting.

I have known for some time that my son felt like he was missing something in not knowing his father.

I could see that there was a void in his heart, but his question took a stab to my pride. I took his request personal, which I should not have done.

I reared him from birth, until now, alone! How dare he make such a request? I’m getting ready for him to graduate from high school and now he wants to get to know his father?

Many selfish thoughts and question ran through my mind – until I sat with the image of my son and the look on his face when he asked to get to know his dad. I could see that this was a personal desire of his, not a mission to disappoint or offend me. I could see that he wanted to understand why this man whom he called dad never had a relationship with him, not increase my resentment towards this individual for not wanting to be a part of such a wonderful human beings life as he promised. I could see that it wasn’t about me, but about my son.

As parents we take pride in rearing our children. With the challenges that come as a lesbian, single mother, rearing a boy to become a man, my pride was even higher. Until I looked into his eyes and realized it was time to let him go.

After multiple bouts with bad decisions my son was making – part just being a teenager, part showing the pain he had due to his void – I gave in. I agreed. I sent him to visit with his father for the rest of the school year.

As a parent, you want to do what is in the best interest of your child, even if you think you know the end result, even if it challenges your pride or hurts your feelings. You have to let them learn and be there to support them when it is needed. There comes a point and time when we, as parents, have to let go and it might not look how we expect it to look. But the time will come, so prepare accordingly.

I am not done parenting my son, but my parenting now looks different than when he was a child. The same letting go is going to take place with my other four children in due season: it’s not when, but how I let go. Be confident, let them soar and know that it is not about you, but them! ]